Married??

The owner of a bakery was closing shop on a stormy winter night when a man came to ask for two sweet rolls.
"Are you married?" he asked.
"Do you think my mother would send me out on a night like this?" replied the customer.

Definition!!

The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"
The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?
Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."
"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."
Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"
The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"
Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."

Like a man!!

Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are kings in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet.

Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you?

The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

"What happened then?" they ask.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

You can't complain!!

Patient: "Doctor, I've got trouble with my throat."
Doctor: "Go in the other room and disrobe. I'll be there in a minute."
Patient: "But, Doctor, It's just my throat!"
Doctor: "Go and disrobe, I need to examine you."


So the man went in and disrobed. As he was sitting there in his shorts, he looked around. Next to him was another guy, also sitting in his shorts, with a big parcel in his hands.


Patient: "Can you imagine that doctor! I've got trouble with my throat and he tells me to disrobe!"
The other man: "What are you complaining about! I came in here only to deliver this parcel!"

Half price!!

At an airline ticket counter, a small boy, with his mother, told the agent that he was two years old.
The man looked at his suspiciously and asked, "Do you know what happens to little boys who lie?"


"Yes," said the little boy, "they get to fly at half price."

Not your neighbours!!

A very agitated young man barged into a family Planning Clinic and spoke to the doctor :: "You performed that vasectomy operation on me, but my wife is pregnant again. You obviously don't know your job."


The doctor said, " Calm down. It is you I operated on, not your neighbours."

Got you!!

A frowning woman walked up to a little boy she caught smoking.


"Does your mother know you smoke?" she demanded.


"Lady" he countered," Does your husband know you stop and talk to strangers in the street??"

Eat em down!!

A man selling vacuum cleaners appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and  without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet.


He said," If this new magic cleaner doesn't pick up every bit of dirt, I'll eat it."


The woman who by this time was losing her patience, said "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that cleaner; I would have paid my electricity bills before they cut it off. Now what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"