Excess Money In Your Bank Account - Funny One Liner

The amount of money that is in your bank account at the time of your death, is equal to the excess work you did over your lifetime!

Funny Joke - The Cross Examination

A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined.

The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"

"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."

"Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded.

"Well, a woman," the witness answered timidly.

The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"

And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."

Joke - The Smartest Man In The World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." 

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Grandma At The Court Room - Hilarious Joke

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:

"If either of you two asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the gallows."

Funny Joke - Airsick

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking guy plops down in the seat next to him. The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbor, crowds the little guy so much that he's flattened against the window, and immediately falls asleep.

After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air sick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. After a few attempts, he realizes that he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little fellow. He just can't hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About a minute later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," the little guy says brightly, "are you feeling better now?"

Hilarious Joke - Natural Childbirth

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Funny Joke - Adam's Suit

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.

Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"

Banta And The Psychiatrist - Hilarious Joke

Banta thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally took him to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince Banta that he is still alive. Nothing seemed to work.

Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show Banta that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, Banta seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.

"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.

"Yes, I do," Banta replied.

"Very well, then," the doctor said.

He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.

The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"

"Oh my goodness!" Banta exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"

A Happy Married Life - Funny Joke

Once Banta asked Santa, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

Santa said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Not convinced, Banta asked, "Give me some examples" Santa said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, Air conditioner, Refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"

Banta asked, "Then what is your role?"

Santa said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iraq, whether the English Cricket team should tour Zimbabwe, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc. My wife never interferes with such decisions.

If You’re Prone To Impulsive Purchases - One Liner Joke

“If you’re prone to impulsive purchases, stick to shoes, not tattoos.”

The Super Funny Chicken Joke

A man in a black suit walking along a road comes across a chicken, who says to him, “What’s your name?”

“Bond, James Bond,” says the man. “What’s your name?”

“Ken, Chic Ken.” the bird replies.

Funny Joke - The Misinterpretation!

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: "Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. "Tom," he says to his son, "what happened last night?"

"You came home drunk and got that black eye tripping over a chair."

"So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?"

"Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’"

Funny Joke - The Verdict

A man is on trial for armed robbery. The jury comes back with the verdict. 

The foreman stands, clears his throat, and announces, “Not guilty.” 

The defendant leaps to his feet. “Awesome!” he shouts. “Does that mean I get to keep the money?”

Hilarious Joke - Looking For The Right Thing

The teenager lost one of his contact lenses while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.

"How did you do that?" he asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she explained. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for Rs. 1500."

Hilarious Joke - The Symbolic Meaning

A Dutch woman was explaining her nation’s flag to an American friend. “It symbolizes our taxes,” she jokes. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our bill, and blue after we pay.”

“Same with us,” says the American. “Only we see stars too.”

Joke - The Husband's Instructions

My husband cannot trust anyone to do their work right unless he has given them clear instructions.

I too get directives from him for almost everything. Last year, when our daughter Siya was one year old, I was setting out for my parents’ place for a week while my husband was at his office.

“I’m leaving. Take care,” I SMSed him.

“OK fine, but do take Siya along.” came his reply.

Joke - The Sincere Compliment

An elderly patient paid me a wonderful compliment. “You’re beautiful,” she said.

I must have looked skeptical because she was quick to assure me that she was sincere.

“It’s just that I rarely hear flattering comments about my looks,” I explained. She smiled understandingly.

“Just because you’re fat, it doesn’t mean you aren’t pretty.”

Hilarious Joke - The First Landing

My brother-in-law is a little bit on the crazy side. The first time he went up in an airplane, it was to skydive.

The second time was a few months later on a commercial flight. When the plane started the descent, he got a bit nervous.

The lady sitting next to him asked "Are you flying for the first time?"

He responded, "No its just my first landing."

Joke - A Job Opening

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. 

The employer having read all his applications said, "We have an opening for people like you." 

"Oh, great," the applicant said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"

Yet Another Blonde Joke!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, trots into a wealthy neighborhood. She goes into the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde is at the door to collect her money.

"You've finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

The Three Blondes - Funny Joke

There were three blondes driving down a hill. Suddenly the girl driving realized that her brakes were gone. They all started screaming and telling themselves they were going to die.

Then one girl noticed a sign. She Said, "Oh! Don't worry there's a stop sign down there!"

Joke - The Funeral Director

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. 

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. 

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. 

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. 

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" 

"The funeral director," said his wife.

Funny Joke - Aces!

A Sunday school teacher said to her children.

"We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

From Beautiful To Good Looking - Funny Jokes

A husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, she continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later he woke up and said, "You're good looking."

"What happened to 'beautiful'?" she asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off" he replied