Joke - Sun At Last!

The professor in our inorganic chemistry lectures needed sunlight to catalyse a chemical reaction in an experiment.


However, on two successive days the weather was too cloudy. When on the third day, sunlight streamed in, the professor said, " At last we have a little sun".


Immediately a voice from the back of the room said, "Three cheers for the professor's wife".

Joke - Real Lucky

A pedestrian stepped off the curb and into the road without looking one day and promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist.

"You were really lucky there," said the cyclist.

"What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!" said the pedestrian, still on the pavement, rubbing his head.

"Well, usually I drive a bus!" the cyclist replied.

Just Another Blonde Joke!

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.

"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?" Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. 

"You keep out of this!" she yells. "I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!" 

Joke - Being Honest

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You , Attorney Smith; gave me $15,000. And you, Attorney Paul, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket & pulled out a check. He handed it to Smith....

"Now then, I'm returning $5,000 & we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

Joke - Eats Shoots & Leaves

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."

The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and reads - Panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Joke - Made In China

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth... 

and then..

the rest was Made in China.

Joke - In Plain English

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said,' Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.'

'Well, in plain English,' the doctor replied,' you're just lazy.'

'Okay,' said the man.' Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.'

Joke - Headed Which Way?

A priest was preparing a dying man for his last journey. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! 

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil ?" 

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Joke - Where's Dad

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, `Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I`ll help you get the wagon up later.`

`That`s mighty nice of you,` Willis answered, `but I don`t think Dad would like me to.`

`Aw come on boy,` the farmer insisted.

`Well okay,` the boy finally agreed, and added, `but Dad won`t like it.`

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. `I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad is going to be real upset.`

`Don`t be foolish!` the neighbor said with a smile. `By the way, where is he?`

`Under the wagon.`

Joke - Art Of Smuggling

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He`s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, `What`s in the bags?`

`Sand,` answered Juan.

The guard says, `We`ll just see about that. Get off the bike.` The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, `What`s in the bags?`

`Sand,` says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn`t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

`Hey, Buddy,` says the guard, `I know you are smuggling something. It`s driving me crazy. It`s all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?`

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles"

Joke - Taking No Chance

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer`s barn. 

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. 

The old farmer told him he had buried them. 

The sheriff asked the old farmer, `Lordy, were they ALL dead?` 

The old farmer said, `Well, some of them said they weren`t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.`

Joke - Afterlife!

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees."Yes, sir," the clerk replied.

"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Joke - Smelly Purchases

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time.

At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the Catfish stink bait is $2.50."

Joke - Only For The Funeral

An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen.

With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed and went down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie.

His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"

Joke - Making Sentences

Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."

Joke - Discharge Papers

A General in the Army noticed that one of the soldiers in his unit was always acting weird. He would pick up every paper he saw, read it, and then put it back down saying, “That isn’t it!”

This happened for a long time before he had a psychologist come and examine him. The psycologist told the General that the soldier was deranged and arranged discharge papers for the soldier.

The soldier picked up the papers and said, “That’s it!”

Joke - The Well Trained Salesman

Aman Singh was appointed as a sales person at a local General Dealer's store in Chandhigarh While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had peach jam to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock." At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.

It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Aman Singh aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like plum jam, guava jam and so on."

Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Aman Singh politely replied, "I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try may be some sand paper!

Joke - Speedy Claim Settlement

Three Insurance salesmen were having drinks and boasting about each companies' service.

The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim and mail a check by Wednesday evening."

The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."

The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor, in the Sears Tower. One of our insured, who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed by our floor."