Joke - Bringing Her Back

A man was talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding anniversary. The friend asked, "What did you do for your 25th?"

He said, "I took my wife to Hawaii."

The friend then asked, "What are you thinking about for your 50th?" 

He said, "Well I was thinking of bringing her back".

Joke - Going To Heaven

I was testing the children in my sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, the answer was, 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved all beings, would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again. 

Again, they all answered, 'NO!'

'Well,' I continued, 'how can I get into Heaven then?'

A five-year-old boy shouted out,

'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.'

Joke - The Mystery Of 11AM Deaths

This happened in a hospital's Intensive care unit where patients started dying every Sunday morning - exactly at 11 AM, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and an expert team was thus constituted to investigate into the causes of the incident. The following Sunday morning, minutes before 11 AM, the expert team anxiously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about..


Just when the clock struck 11...


and then......

Santa Singh, the Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and Unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

Joke - Green Bananas

A 96 year old business tycoon was approached by an investment consultant.


"Sir, I have this wonderful investment opportunity for you that will double your money in 5 years", said the consultant.


"5 Years! Are you crazy?" remarked the tycoon, "At my age I do not even buy Green Bananas!"

Humour - Proverbs As Told By Children

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. These are great:

As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the... bug is close.

It's always darkest before... daylight .

Never underestimate the power of... termites.

You can lead a horse to water but... how?

Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new... math.

If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than the... pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.

Happy the bride who... gets all the presents!

A penny saved is... not much.

Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.

Don't put off tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as... Helen Keller.

Children be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

There is no fool like... My Aunt.

Joke - Ratings At Heaven

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.


A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher’s entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."


The preacher is astonished and replies, "You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely, I rate higher than a cabby."


St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."

Joke - Spell The Word

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw that it was so beautiful.

Saint Peter came by; the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" 

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went skiing today. I fell, a rock hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Joke - Peanuts For You

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.


After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five times.


At the sixth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
The old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them!"

Joke - Who's The Boss?

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.


Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Joke - Eating Alone!

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Joke - Shortest Way To School

The new family in the neighborhood overslept and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.
The father, though late for work himself, had to drive her. Since he did not know the way, he said that she would have to direct him to the school.
They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.
The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle.
The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know."

Joke - If The Plane Can't Fly!

An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers.

She had just finished saying in the event of a water landing, your seat cushion maybe used as a flotation device, when a man remarked:

"Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"

Joke - Selling Toothbrushes

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, 

"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes??," echoed the teacher,

"How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,

"I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog sh*t!"

Then I would say, "It is dog sh*t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Joke - The Great Holiday Puzzle

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. 

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." 

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. 

They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. 

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. 

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. 

But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

Joke - Money From God

A nice young worker from the Post Office, was sorting through her regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as follows:
GOD
c/o Heaven


Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little old lady, who had never asked for anything in her life, was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.


Well the young lady was deeply touched and arranged a collection from her fellow workmates. She managed to collect $90 and sent it off to the old lady.


A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the young lady opened it and it read..


“Dear God,
Thank you for the money, I deeply appreciate it, however I only received $90. It must have been those crooks at the Post Office.”