The Loch Ness Monster - Funny Joke

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out,

"Oh, my God! Please help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds,

"I thought you didn't believe in me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!"

The Male And Female Way Of Doing Things - Hilarious Jokes

Please note that with the arrival of new "Drive- through" cash point machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Male Procedure

1) Drive up to the cash machine
2) Wind down your car window
3) Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4) Enter amount of cash required
5) Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6) Wind up window

Female Procedure

1) Drive up to cash machine
2) Reverse back the required amount to align car window to
machine
3) Re-start the stalled engine
4) Wind down the window
5) Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card
6) Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7) Attempt to insert card into machine
8) Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car
9) Insert card
10) Re- insert card right way up
11) Re- enter the handbag to find diary with your PIN written on
the inside back page
12) Enter PIN
13) Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14) Enter amount of cash required
15) Re-check make-up in rear view mirror
16) Retrieve cash and receipt
17) Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18) Place receipt in back of check book
19) Re-check make-up again
20) Drive forward 2 feet
21) Reverse back to cash machine
22) Retrieve card
23) Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the
slot provided
24) Re-check make-up
25) Restart stalled engine and pull away
26) Drive for 3 to 4 miles
27) Release parking brake

One Cigarette Lighter - Crazy Joke

The ship was sinking fast and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely.

They decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cigarettes were dry, but all their matches were wet and they had no way to light their cigarettes.

Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard.

This worked well. They were able to smoke, because ...

... the lifeboat had become ONE CIGARETTE LIGHTER

Joke - At The Funeral Ceremony

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held and, at the end of the service, the pallbearers are once more carrying the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband shouts,

"Watch out for the wall!"

Funny Joke - Big People' Words

The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.

She then asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words."

She then asked Joey what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo," he said.

"No, you took a ride on a Train. Use big people words."

She then asked Eddie what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's wonderful," the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said,

"Winnie The Shit."

Hilarious Joke - Never Mess With A Woman

A man and a woman get in a car accident. Their cars got totally demolished but luckily both of them survive.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says,"wow! Look at the cars they're totaled! But luckily we both did not even get a scratch! This is a sign that we should become friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

Man," I totally agree wit u."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says," that bottle survived the crash just like us, I think its a sign from God. We should open it and celebrate our new found friendship."

So she hands the bottle to the man. He nods his head and because of the nerve-wrecking accident he chugs about a third of the bottle.. He hands it back to the woman, who immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

Man,"Aren't u having any?"

The woman replies," No I think ill just wait for the police;)

Funny Joke - The Elderly Couple

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your ocean side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.”

“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”

Joke : Celebrating Luck

"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor.

"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.

"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."

"I don't have a sweetheart, either."

"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

Hilarious Joke - Throwing up

A little girl went to church with her mother for the first time. Soon, the little girl began feeling ill.

"Mom," she whispered, "I think I'm going to throw up."

"Go out the front door, dear, then walk to the back of the church and do it behind the bushes. I'll be out shortly."

A few minutes later, the little girl returned.

"Are you feeling better?" asked the mother.

"Yes, but I didn't have to go to the back of the church like you said. They have a box next to the front door that says FOR THE SICK."

Funny Joke - Big Feet

Two sisters arrived home from school crying their eyes out.

“What’s the matter with the two of you?” asked their mother.

“All the kids at school always make fun of my big feet,” wailed the first sister.

“Don’t let it bother you,” comforted the mother, “Your feet aren’t that big.” She then turned her attention to the second sister. “Now why are you crying?”

“My friends invited me to go skiing and I can’t find my skis,” she cried.

“That’s not a problem,” the mother said, “You can borrow your sister’s shoes.”

Joke : Dog Tales

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bull dog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a very nice looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say 'liver' and 'cheese' in a sentence can be my topdog."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."

The Collie says, "Sorry, that's not good enough."

The Bull dog says, "I'll have some liver and cheese, please."

She says, "Sorry, that's not creative enough."

Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone... cheese mine."

Funny Joke - The Pilot And The Photographer

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great bush fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his office to hire a plane

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let’s go! Let’s go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you’re not the instructor?"

Hilarious Joke - A New Pilot

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

Worst Thing Your Wife Can Catch You Doing : Joke

Q: What is the worst thing your wife can catch you doing?

A: Nothing

Joke - Why Women Speak More

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study in that morning's newspaper which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that the reason women use twice as many words as men is because they have to repeat everything they say.

He looked up from his paper and said, "What?"

Joke - Cooking The Right Way

A young newlywed was preparing a ham for Christmas dinner. She carefully cut off the end of the ham before placing it in the pan for baking.

Her husband asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham?"

And she replied, "I really don't know, but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."

Later, when talking to her mother, she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,

"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied,

"Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."

Hilarious Joke - Changing Underwear

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces,

"I've got great news. Today we're going to change our underwear."

The troops start cheering at the news. Then the Sargent says,

"Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..."

A CUSTOMER WALKS INTO A BAR JOKE

A CUSTOMER WALKS INTO A BAR
one evening sporting a pair of swollen black eyes that look extremely painful.


‘Hey, Maddy!’ says the bartender. ‘Who gave you those beauties?’


‘Nobody gave them to me,’ said Maddy. ‘I had to fight like crazy for both of them.’

Joke - The Wrong Way

A blonde was driving down the Freeway when her Mobile phone rang.

It was her husband warning her:

"Darling", he said, "I just heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way down the Freeway. Please be careful!"

"Its not just one car", cried the blonde, "There are hundreds of them!"

Funny Joke - A Sloth Named Herman

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.

Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.

"What happened to you? the officer asks.

"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.

"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

Joke - Trouble At The Bar

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, a pint of beer before the trouble starts."

The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and pours a pint for the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! another pint of beer before the trouble starts."

The barman looks at the guy oddly but pours another pint and gives it to him.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another pint of beer before the trouble starts."

Barman pours a third pint with a frown on his face but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another pint of beer before the trouble starts."

The barman replies, "Look what trouble is this then?"

"The trouble is I haven't got any money."

The Elderly Couple - Funny Joke

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn't miss them

until they were back on the highway. 

By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of.

When they finally arrived at the restaurant, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her,

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, too."

Excess Money In Your Bank Account - Funny One Liner

The amount of money that is in your bank account at the time of your death, is equal to the excess work you did over your lifetime!

Funny Joke - The Cross Examination

A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined.

The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"

"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."

"Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded.

"Well, a woman," the witness answered timidly.

The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"

And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."

Joke - The Smartest Man In The World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." 

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Grandma At The Court Room - Hilarious Joke

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:

"If either of you two asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the gallows."

Funny Joke - Airsick

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking guy plops down in the seat next to him. The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbor, crowds the little guy so much that he's flattened against the window, and immediately falls asleep.

After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air sick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. After a few attempts, he realizes that he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little fellow. He just can't hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About a minute later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," the little guy says brightly, "are you feeling better now?"

Hilarious Joke - Natural Childbirth

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Funny Joke - Adam's Suit

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.

Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"

Banta And The Psychiatrist - Hilarious Joke

Banta thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally took him to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince Banta that he is still alive. Nothing seemed to work.

Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show Banta that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, Banta seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.

"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.

"Yes, I do," Banta replied.

"Very well, then," the doctor said.

He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.

The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"

"Oh my goodness!" Banta exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"

A Happy Married Life - Funny Joke

Once Banta asked Santa, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

Santa said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Not convinced, Banta asked, "Give me some examples" Santa said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, Air conditioner, Refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"

Banta asked, "Then what is your role?"

Santa said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iraq, whether the English Cricket team should tour Zimbabwe, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc. My wife never interferes with such decisions.

If You’re Prone To Impulsive Purchases - One Liner Joke

“If you’re prone to impulsive purchases, stick to shoes, not tattoos.”

The Super Funny Chicken Joke

A man in a black suit walking along a road comes across a chicken, who says to him, “What’s your name?”

“Bond, James Bond,” says the man. “What’s your name?”

“Ken, Chic Ken.” the bird replies.

Funny Joke - The Misinterpretation!

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: "Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. "Tom," he says to his son, "what happened last night?"

"You came home drunk and got that black eye tripping over a chair."

"So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?"

"Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’"

Funny Joke - The Verdict

A man is on trial for armed robbery. The jury comes back with the verdict. 

The foreman stands, clears his throat, and announces, “Not guilty.” 

The defendant leaps to his feet. “Awesome!” he shouts. “Does that mean I get to keep the money?”

Hilarious Joke - Looking For The Right Thing

The teenager lost one of his contact lenses while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.

"How did you do that?" he asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she explained. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for Rs. 1500."

Hilarious Joke - The Symbolic Meaning

A Dutch woman was explaining her nation’s flag to an American friend. “It symbolizes our taxes,” she jokes. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our bill, and blue after we pay.”

“Same with us,” says the American. “Only we see stars too.”

Joke - The Husband's Instructions

My husband cannot trust anyone to do their work right unless he has given them clear instructions.

I too get directives from him for almost everything. Last year, when our daughter Siya was one year old, I was setting out for my parents’ place for a week while my husband was at his office.

“I’m leaving. Take care,” I SMSed him.

“OK fine, but do take Siya along.” came his reply.

Joke - The Sincere Compliment

An elderly patient paid me a wonderful compliment. “You’re beautiful,” she said.

I must have looked skeptical because she was quick to assure me that she was sincere.

“It’s just that I rarely hear flattering comments about my looks,” I explained. She smiled understandingly.

“Just because you’re fat, it doesn’t mean you aren’t pretty.”

Hilarious Joke - The First Landing

My brother-in-law is a little bit on the crazy side. The first time he went up in an airplane, it was to skydive.

The second time was a few months later on a commercial flight. When the plane started the descent, he got a bit nervous.

The lady sitting next to him asked "Are you flying for the first time?"

He responded, "No its just my first landing."

Joke - A Job Opening

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. 

The employer having read all his applications said, "We have an opening for people like you." 

"Oh, great," the applicant said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"

Yet Another Blonde Joke!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, trots into a wealthy neighborhood. She goes into the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde is at the door to collect her money.

"You've finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

The Three Blondes - Funny Joke

There were three blondes driving down a hill. Suddenly the girl driving realized that her brakes were gone. They all started screaming and telling themselves they were going to die.

Then one girl noticed a sign. She Said, "Oh! Don't worry there's a stop sign down there!"

Joke - The Funeral Director

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. 

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. 

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. 

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. 

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" 

"The funeral director," said his wife.

Funny Joke - Aces!

A Sunday school teacher said to her children.

"We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

From Beautiful To Good Looking - Funny Jokes

A husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, she continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later he woke up and said, "You're good looking."

"What happened to 'beautiful'?" she asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off" he replied

A Computer Is No Match For Me - One Liner Joke

A computer beat me at chess once. But, it was no match for me

at kick boxing.

Joke - Addressing Problems

The clergyman on his vacation wrote a long letter concerning his traveling experiences to be circulated among the members of the congregation. The letter opened in this form:

“Dear Friends:

“I will not address you as ladies and gentlemen, because I know you so well.”

Classic Joke - Efficiency

The highly efficient housewife bragged that she always rose early, and had every bed in the house made before anybody else in the house was up.

Funny Joke - Fog Troubles

The old gentleman was lost in a London fog, so thick that he could hardly see his hand before his face. He became seriously alarmed when he found himself in a slimy alley. Then he heard footsteps approaching through the obscurity, and sighed with relief.

“Where am I going to?” he cried anxiously.

A voice replied weirdly from the darkness beyond:

“Into the river - I’ve just come out!”

Joke - My Wife!

The gentleman at the party, turned to another guest, who had just paused beside him:

“Women are fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She was smiling at me flirtatiously a few minutes ago and now she looks cold as an iceberg.”

“I have only just arrived,” the other man said. “And she is my wife.”

What Is Experience - One Liner Joke

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

When everything's coming your way - One liner joke

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way!

What Is Time - One Liner Joke

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Purpose Of Life - One Liner Joke

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others!

If At First You Don't Succeed - One Liner Jokes

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give A Man A Fish - One Liner Joke

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Girls Are Like Roads - One Liner Jokes

Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.

What Is A Bus - One Liner Joke

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Quiet As a Mouse - One Liner Jokes

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

Fighting Fire With Fire - One Liner Jokes

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water!

Causing Happiness - One Liner Jokes

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go!!

Top Of The Food Chain - One Liner Jokes

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain just to be a Vegetarian!

Starting A Campfire - One Liner Jokes

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Joke - Cutting Down Corruption

The Prime Minister announcing a Cabinet reshuffle : "... and let me make it quite clear that the idea behind reducing the cabinet to half its size is mainly to reduce corruption by 50 per cent".

Joke - Serving Well Balanced Meals

Woman to friend : "I know I serve well-balanced meals. One day my husband complains and the next day the kids complain."

Joke - Paying Through The Nose

A guy walked into the tax collector's office with a huge bandage on his nose.

"Had an accident?" asked the tax man. "No" answered the man. "I've been paying through it for so long, it gave way under the strain".

Joke - Bad Translation

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit.

Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa)

Funny Lawyer Jokes

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.


What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.


How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side then he
lies on the other.


What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.


"No Offence Intended"

Joke - Golf Lessons

A young man who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said,

"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Joke - Putting Up A Fight

One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

"Was that all you wanted?" Murphy replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

Joke - Smart Soldiers

An Israeli soldier who had only just enlisted asked his Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO said, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that kind of recognition!"

The very next day the soldier came back driving an Arab tank!

The CO was very impressed and gave the soldier his 3-day pass.

One of the other new recruits took him aside and asked how he had managed to single-handedly capture an Arab tank.

"Simple" said the soldier, I jumped in one of our tanks and headed towards the border. As I approached the border, I saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white
flag up. Then I said to the Arab soldier, 'How would you like to get a 3-day pass?'

"So we exchanged tanks!"

Joke - Nothing In His Way

A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, "You know, honey. I think there might be some real merit to what this article says; that the intelligence of a father often proves a stumbling block to the son." 

"Well, thank heaven," said the wife. "At least our James has nothing standing in his way."

Joke – Wife Told Me!

A man died and went up to heaven. Upon arriving he noticed two signs One said “Men Who Are Bossed By Their wives,” the other one said “Men Not Bossed By Their Wives.”

After closer inspection he noticed that while next to the first sign was a big line, by the second sign there was just man. After getting even closer he realized it was his friend Harry. “Hey Harry” the man questioned “what in the world are you doing here?

“I don’t know” Harry replied “my wife told me to stand here.”

Joke – Oops!

Old Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper.

The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his pocket.

It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it.

The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”

Men Are Like Bank Account – One Liner Jokes

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

Joke – 3 Minutes To Heaven

A man died and went to “The Judgment”, they told him , “Before you meet God,  I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the  ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

Joke – Great Choices

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like dinner.

“What are my choices?” he asked

“Yes or No,” she replied

Joke – Why Did God Create Man Before Woman?

Q: Why did God create Man before Woman?

A: He didn’t want any advice.

Joke – Living In A Mobile Home

"We live in a mobile home. Hey, there are some advantages to living in a mobile home. One time, it caught on fire. We met the fire department halfway there."
- Ronnie Shakes

Joke - The Decoy!

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a catch. At closing time, as everyone come out he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally,
when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the patrolman.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!!!"

Joke - First Aid

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.

As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Joke - Cheap Solution

NASA wanted to find a writing implement that could be used in space.

It took 200 engineers and they spent over $2 billion to finally invent a space pen. This pen could write in zero gravity and the ink would still flow.

NASA proudly announced their success and congratulations flowed in from all over the world.

In a short note to the Americans, the Soviet engineers congratulated them, but said that they too had found a solution at a fraction of the cost.

They remarked, "We use a pencil."

Joke - Two Bachelors

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking one day, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it." said the first, "Every one of the recipes began
the same way - 'Take a clean dish.'"

It's Not Hard To Meet Expenses - One Liner Joke

It's not hard to meet expenses... 

they're everywhere.

Lead Me Not! - One Liner Joke

Lead me not into temptation,

I can find the way myself.

Joke - Matching Colours

Our dog left so many disgusting stains on our carpet that we had to buy new carpet. I didn't want to be stupid about the new purchase, so I cut the stains out of the old carpet.

When the carpet guy asked what color we wanted, I pulled the stained patches out and said, "Yeah, can you match this color!"

Joke - Batteries For A Lifetime

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last this long."

Joke - Duty Bound

The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed to the TTE:

"Can't you go any faster than this?"

"Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."

Joke - Fooling The Caterpillars

The small boy sat at the foot of a telegraph pole, with a tin can in his hands. The curious old gentleman gazed first at the lad and then at the can, much perplexed.

"Caterpillars!" he questioned. "What are you doing with them?"

"They climb trees and eat the leaves," the boy explained.

"Yes?"

"And so," the boy continued proudly, "I'm foolin' this bunch by lettin' 'em climb the telegraph pole."

Joke - The Super Fast Turtle

A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender asks the man, "What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Nothing", the man responds, "this turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you 5000 bucks that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy 5000, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall.

"Told you it'll be there before your dog."

Joke - Who's Turn?

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.

Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

The drunks replies, " I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

Joke - Johnny Goes Shopping

Christmas was coming near and it was time for Little Johnny to finish his holiday shopping. He went into a toy shop, took a toy plane, gave the shopkeeper fake money and started to leave.


The shopkeeper spoke up, "Excuse me little boy, this isn't real money."


Johnny looked at the plane in his hands, looked at the shopkeeper and said, "And this isn't a real plane."

Joke - Strawberries And Fertilizers

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.

A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

Joke - The Watermelon Farmer

A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids who went into his watermelon patch every night to eat their fill.

After some thought, he made a sign that said, "Warning! One of these watermelons has been injected with Poison!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read:

NOW THERE ARE TWO!

Joke - CEO And The Mafia.

Q : What's the difference between an Insurance Company CEO and the Mafia Don?

A : The Insurance Company CEO can tell you how many people might die this year. The Mafia Don can tell you their Names.

Joke - Capital Issues

Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,

"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

"N", she answered.

10 Reasons Why A Prison Is Better Than Your Office - Humour

12 REASONS WHY GOING TO PRISON IS BETTER THAN GOING FOR WORK.

1. In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
2. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
3. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
4. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
5. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
6. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.
7. In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.
8. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
9. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
10. In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.

Joke - Stand Corrected.

I have this friend who seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused, telling me I was crazy.

But last week he finally went and, sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4" shorter than his right.

After undergoing an orthopedic surgery, he no longer leans.

"So", I said, "You didn’t believe me when I told you a doctor could do the job."

He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."

Joke - Time Troubles.

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "7:15".

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"7:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It’s 7:45!."

Joke - Finding The Right Man!

Two women are walking down the street and come to the window of a jewelry store. They stop to admire a gorgeous diamond bracelet in the window.

The first one says, "Beautiful, isn’t it? But who would be fool enough to pay ninety thousand for it?"

To which the second one replies, "I don’t know, but I hope I find him."

Another Genie And The 3 Wishes Joke

A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish to be on a beautiful island in the Caribbean."

POOF!

He suddenly appears on a gorgeous beach.

After overcoming his initial surprise, he states his second wish.

"I wish to be surounded by beautiful women."

POOF!

And a crowd of gorgeous women flock to him!

He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish to never have to work ever again."

POOF!

He’s back in his government office.

Joke - Height Of Insult!

A student texted his ENTRANCE EXAM Rank to his friend..


His Friend replies:


Ok..Dude..I've saved your
NEW NUMBER

9 Super Funny Signs!

In an office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY; PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a country shop:

WE BUY JUNK AND SELL ANTIQUES!


Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


At a Zoo

PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, PLEASE! GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Joke - Moving A Couch.

One of my co-workers complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.

"Why didn't you wait till your husband got home?" someone asked.

"I could have," she told us," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."

Joke - Back From Heaven.

A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, "Dad, what happened to the bird?"

His dad told him, "Son, the bird died and went to heaven."

Then the boy asked, '"And God threw him back down?"

Joke - Great Fathers!

Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about being fast. My father is a government servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!

What's Wrong With Lawyer Jokes?

What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes!

Difference Between A Good Lawyer And A Bad Lawyer - Humour

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer 

can make it last even longer.

Joke - Skipping A Meal.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 30 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Joke - Wife's Pet Names.

A man was invited to a friend's home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her honey, darling, sweetheart, love, etc. He was impressed at this, since the couple had been married over 30 years.

While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy shrugged, lowered his voice and said, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name 10 years ago."

Joke - Lost Girlfriend!

A man approaches a beautiful woman in a supermarket.

"I've lost my girlfriend," he tells her. "Can you stand here and talk to me for a few minutes?"

"Sure, but I don't understand how that would help," she replies.

"Well, it seems like every time I speak to a beautiful woman, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere."

Joke - Addressing An Officer.

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, sir!"

Joke - The Blonde & The Brunette

A blonde and brunette were watching the 11 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."

The blonde replies, "Okay you're on."

Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.

The brunette says, "Listen, I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."

"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

Joke - Son And Dad

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions ... you'll never learn anything!"