Joke - Stand Corrected.

I have this friend who seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused, telling me I was crazy.

But last week he finally went and, sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4" shorter than his right.

After undergoing an orthopedic surgery, he no longer leans.

"So", I said, "You didn’t believe me when I told you a doctor could do the job."

He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."

Joke - Time Troubles.

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "7:15".

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"7:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It’s 7:45!."

Joke - Finding The Right Man!

Two women are walking down the street and come to the window of a jewelry store. They stop to admire a gorgeous diamond bracelet in the window.

The first one says, "Beautiful, isn’t it? But who would be fool enough to pay ninety thousand for it?"

To which the second one replies, "I don’t know, but I hope I find him."

Another Genie And The 3 Wishes Joke

A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish to be on a beautiful island in the Caribbean."

POOF!

He suddenly appears on a gorgeous beach.

After overcoming his initial surprise, he states his second wish.

"I wish to be surounded by beautiful women."

POOF!

And a crowd of gorgeous women flock to him!

He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish to never have to work ever again."

POOF!

He’s back in his government office.

Joke - Height Of Insult!

A student texted his ENTRANCE EXAM Rank to his friend..


His Friend replies:


Ok..Dude..I've saved your
NEW NUMBER

9 Super Funny Signs!

In an office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY; PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a country shop:

WE BUY JUNK AND SELL ANTIQUES!


Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


At a Zoo

PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, PLEASE! GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Joke - Moving A Couch.

One of my co-workers complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.

"Why didn't you wait till your husband got home?" someone asked.

"I could have," she told us," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."

Joke - Back From Heaven.

A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, "Dad, what happened to the bird?"

His dad told him, "Son, the bird died and went to heaven."

Then the boy asked, '"And God threw him back down?"

Joke - Great Fathers!

Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about being fast. My father is a government servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!

What's Wrong With Lawyer Jokes?

What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes!

Difference Between A Good Lawyer And A Bad Lawyer - Humour

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer 

can make it last even longer.

Joke - Skipping A Meal.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 30 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Joke - Wife's Pet Names.

A man was invited to a friend's home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her honey, darling, sweetheart, love, etc. He was impressed at this, since the couple had been married over 30 years.

While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy shrugged, lowered his voice and said, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name 10 years ago."

Joke - Lost Girlfriend!

A man approaches a beautiful woman in a supermarket.

"I've lost my girlfriend," he tells her. "Can you stand here and talk to me for a few minutes?"

"Sure, but I don't understand how that would help," she replies.

"Well, it seems like every time I speak to a beautiful woman, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere."

Joke - Addressing An Officer.

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, sir!"