Joke - Time Up!

Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them.


Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.


His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishop’s room and then say to him, "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up."


Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked.


In his excitement Little Johnny said, "It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"

Top 10 Humorous Facts About Movies.

1. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.


2. A detective/police officer can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.


3. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.


4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.


5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.


6. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.


7. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.


8. When alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.


9. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.


10. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Joke - Act Of Forgiveness

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Priest asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"


80% held up their hands.


The Priest then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.


"Mrs. Gomes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"


"I don't have any," She replied, smiling sweetly.


"Mrs. Gomes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"


Ninety-eight," she replied.


The entire congregation stood up and clapped their hands.


"Oh, Mrs. Gomes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"


The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and said, "I outlived the Bitches."

Joke - Where Is God?

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it.If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.


So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,


"Do you know where God is son?"


The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.


So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"


Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,


"Where is God?!"


The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?"


The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time."

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

Joke - What Did You Teach?

Confessions Of A Girl:

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?


Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended DAV Sr Secondary, Chandigarh.


"Yes. Yes, I did," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely for some time and then asked: "What did you teach???"

Joke - Better Friends.

Men always have better friends....They will stand by you, no matter what....!!!



1. Friends of Women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband the very next morning, that she stayed at her (girl) friend's apartment overnight.
So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and none of them confirm that she was with them.




2. Friends of Men:


A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 insist that he is still with them!!
 
 
 

Joke - Golden Rules For Any Office.

1. The Boss is always right.

2. If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.

3. Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.

4. Ph.D. stands for "Pull Him Down". The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.

5. If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

6. When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

7. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you are going to do.

8. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

9. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

10. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

11. Following the rules will not get the job done.

12. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

13. Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous".

14. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

15. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are supposed to be doing.

16. In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.

17. In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.

18. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
 

Golden Rules About Girls!

1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that

2. The nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!

3. The more the makeup, worse the looks...

4. "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always be in your company."

5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.

6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now ,when you are commited.

7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.

8. The more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...

9. Even if you got her out alone... Just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend.

Corollary to rule 9: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1

10. The day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-
1. You are dressed badly
2. Have a bad hair day

Joke - Spelling Mistake.

Two men were walking home after a late night party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear they move on. Soon they notice an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They mis-spelled my name!"

Discoveries and Inventions by Men and Women

Men discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
Women discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

Men discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
Women discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

Men discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
Women discovered CARDS and invented KITTY PARTIES.

Men discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
Women discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

Men discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
Women discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

Men discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Women discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.

Joke - Same Order.

A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu, "I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked that it's runny, and one so over cooked that it's tough and hard to eat.

"I'd also like grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."

That's a complicated order sir", said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you had brought me yesterday!"

Joke - Keeping A Secret

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "Can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

Joke - Greatest Explanation

Suddenly one of the employees in an organization took 10 days Leave without any notice.
When he returned his PL asked for explanation.

The employee said "Sir, my mom died unexpectedly".

The PL let it go at That. After 3 months the same pattern repeated, and this time the said his Father died.

Then the PL got changed.

After 3 months the same pattern Repeated.
And the employee gave the explanation that his mom died.

After 3 months same thing again...
And this time his father died.

This Happened repeatedly for 2 years.

At the end, one PL checked his past Records and told him, "I have caught you red handed, How come in the Past 2 years, your mom has died 5 times, and your dad has died five Times?"

To which the guy said, "Sir, my mom died and my father remarried. Then my father died and my new mom remarried. Then my mom died and the new Father remarried. This has been going on and on and on and.."

Things That Will Happen If IPL Is Nationalised

Here is a humorous list of things that might happen when the IPL is Nationalised.

1. The new Commissioner of the IPL, replacing Lalit Modi, will be an IAS officer, 1979 batch, transferred from the Food Corporation of India

2. Mayawati will demand, however, that the new Chairman should be her own candidate, Mr Dalit Modi .

3. The name of Mumbai Indians will immediately be changed to Mumbai Manus. It will, naturally, field only Maharashtrians (preferably Maharashtrian Brahmins). All other players will have their legs broken.

4. The Chennai Super Kings team will be renamed Dravida Cricket Kazhagam. Subsequently one faction will break away and the team will split into DCK (DMK) and AIADCK, owing allegience to Karunanidhi and Jayalalitha respectively .

5. Each political party will have its own team: BJP Bandits, Congress Cobras, CPI Cadres, Samajwadi Strikers, CPM Challengers, Trinamul Tigers etc .

6. Auction of players will be replaced by teams calling for tenders for players. The lowest priced players will be picked.

7. Sonia Gandhi will insist that 30% of each team should be reserved for women .

8. Mayawati will demand that SC/ST players will need to run for only 18 yards instead of 22 yards between the wickets .

9. Third Umpire requests will have to be filled in triplicate and duly notarized .

10. All Third Umpire decisions will be referred to a Joint Parlimentary Commission .

11. IPL tickets will henceforth be available at all post offices and BSNL centers from 10 a.m. to 12.45 p.m. The facility to purchase tickets on your cellphone will immediately be withdrawn .

12. Replacing an injured foreign player can be done only through a Tatkal application submitted 48 hours after a Govt doctor examines him .

13. Cheerleaders will be replaced by retired Air-India flight attendants .

14. These new cheerleaders will perform the folk dances of the states they represent during breaks .

15. IPL matches will be shown only on Doordarshan. (A good thing this.)

16. Between each innings break Doordarshan will telecast the news in Hindi, followed by news for the hearing impaired .

17. Agricultural shots can be played only during the phase of the game termed " Krishi Darshan . "

18. There will be no matches on weekends or on national / regional holidays .

19. The three stumps will be painted saffron, white and green .

20. Pakistan will immediately announce its intention to start its own version of the tournament called PPL and Mr Zardari will make a visit to Washington to meet President Obama and seek an additional grant of $1 billion to fund it .

21. Kokata Knight Riders theme song will be changed to "Maa Mati Manush"

Joke - What Women Want

Here's a humorous look at what a woman wants in her man.

What I Want In A Man, Original List (at age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want In A Man, Revised List (at age 32)

1. Decent looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want In A Man, Revised List (at age 42)

1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I m in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers the belly
8. Is good at cleaning, dusting ect.
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

Joke - The Great Sardar Kidnap

A Sardar was down on his luck. In order to raise some money, he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

He then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put 2 lakhs in cash in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Sardar."

The Sardar then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the Sardar checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

He opened the bag and found the exact amount of money as demanded with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Sardar?"

Joke - Sardar's Divorce Plans

A Sardar and his wife filed an application for divorce.

Judge asked: How will you divide?
You have 3 children.

Sardar replied: OK! We will apply next year

How To Keep A Woman Happy?

THE POINT SYSTEM
In the world of romance, one single rule applies to men:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

1.SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
IF It's her pet (-50)

2.SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
College buddy Named Rita (-25)
Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)

3.HER BIRTHDAY

You forget her birthday (-5000)
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colours of your favourite team (-10)

4.A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-4)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

5.THE 'BIG' QUESTION

She asks, 'Do I look fat?' (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, 'Where?' (-35)
Any other response (-20)

6.COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying a concerned xpression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-1500)

Now what chance do you have???

10 Truths Of Life - Funny

1. If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is gone.

2. Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

3. When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

4. If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls.

5. If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

6. You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

7. The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

8. After a long wait for bus, two buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be more crowded than the other.

9. If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight

10. Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go towards the non-smoker. 
 

Joke - Tit For Tat

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

 It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them
at Funerals!

Joke - Very Fast.

There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing.

On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.

Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!

The Japanese exclaimed, “What??… so expensive!”
There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!

Joke - Right Or Left?

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic.
So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand...
Totally exhausted and panting.
Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and
Third, our man is now totally refreshed.

Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic,
I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."

Joke - Old Enough

Two Brothers aged 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing.
So they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.

 Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. When their mother asks them what they want to have, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll havesome Fruit Loops."

Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his chair, sending him screaming back upstairs.

She then turns to the 6-year-old and says, "What are you going to have?"

He replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ASS it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."

Joke - Work Station

A bus station
is where a bus stops.

A train station
is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station...

Joke - Like Her!

A serious drunk walked into a bar and after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

 He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

 "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Joke - Economy

An Englishman left on a long trip across the country, taking a train the entire length of the line. At each station along the way, he insisted that he had to get off of the train to buy a new ticket. He chose to not buy a ticket to his final destination, but just one to take him to the next stop on the line.

 After watching this go on for several hours, another passenger asked, “Why are you buying all of these individual tickets, man? Why not just save yourself time and money and just get one ticket for the rest of your trip? You’d save 25%.”

The Scotsman scowled at the very idea, and darkly replied, “My doctor told me that I am not long for this world. I don’t plan to waste any of my money on train tickets I may not use while I am here!”

10 Ways to annoy people at a public library

1. Read your book upside down.

2. Read your book from right to left, flipping the pages that way to make it obvious.

3. Ask for the time every 2 minutes.

4. Read out very loudly and very slowly.

5. While pointing to a very simple word, like ‘the’, ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.

6. Every time the person next to you turns the page, make a beeping noise.

7. Announce the page number each time you turn a page.

8. Do multiple sneezes, at full volume.

9. Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, “Wow! Did you know that negative and no mean the same thing?”

10. Every few minutes, get up out of your chair, walk around the table, and sit back down.

Ways to diagnose drinking problem!

20 Ways to tell if you have a drinking problem or not!!

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. Job interfering with your drinking.

3. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

4. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

5. Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!

6. When you can focus better with one eye closed

7. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar

8. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

9. You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.

10. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

11. Vampires get woozy after bitting you.

12. Having a hard time staying on the side walk – left, right, stumble, fall.

13. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.

14. The bottle’s empty…that’s the problem!

15. Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.

16. You drink to get over a hangover.

17. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.

18. You can’t remember what your family looks like… or if you have a family.

19. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their collapse.

20. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.

Joke - Mother's Choice

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he’ll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry.

His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother’s house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, ‘OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?’

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, ‘The one in the middle.’

The young man is astounded. ‘How in the world did you figure it out?’

‘Easy,’ she says, ‘I don’t like her.’

Humour - The Homework Schedule

The school homework schedule for the average student.

Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.

15 minutes looking for assignment.

10 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.

24 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.

8 minutes in the bathroom.

10 minutes getting a snack.

7 minutes checking the TV Guide.

6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.

10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment