Joke - Billing Basics

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. 

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. 

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

Then when he checked his own mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. 

Joke - Which Tyre?

4 MBA students were boozing till late night and didn't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt. 

They then went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return they had a flat tyre and had to push the car all the way back. They pleaded with the dean to allow them to take the test at a latter date.

The dean being a just person allowed them to take the retest after 2 days. 

On the third day they appeared before the dean. All four were made to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They agreed as they had prepared well in the last 2 days. The test consisted of only 2 questions.


Q 1. Write down your name ----- (2 marks)

Q 2. Which tyre burst? ------- (98 marks)

Joke - A Talking Chicken

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. 

She read, "... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" 

The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" 

One little girl raised her hand and said, "Holy Smoke! A talking chicken!'" 

Joke - Sleeping Husband

A policeman stopped to ask a woman standing helplessly by her vehicle what the matter was. When she told him she had a flat tyre and had managed to change the wheel, but couldn't lower the jack, he offered to do it for her.


"Please bring the car down gently," she said. "My husband is asleep in the back seat."

Joke - Waiting To Get Out

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "When did you shay the bar opens at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait to get in, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

Hilarious "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain replaced so that I may be promoted to management

4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, emails you send me until I return from vacation on 12/08. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'

7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

FINALLY, THE BEST OF THEM ALL:

10: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'...

Joke - Days To Live

"You," said the doctor to the patient, "are in terrible shape. You've got to do something about it. First, tell your wife to cook more nutritious meals. Stop working like a dog. Also inform your wife you're going to make a budget, and she has to stick to it. Tell her to keep the kids off your back so you can relax. Unless there are some changes like that in your life, you'll probably be dead in a month."


"Doc," said the man, "could you please call my wife and give her those instructions?"


When the fellow got home, his wife rushed to him. "I spoke to your doctor," she wailed. "Poor man, you've got only thirty days to live."

Joke - Group Photo

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
"And there's the teacher, She's dead."

Joke - Impression!

After successfully passing the bar exam, a young man opened his own law office. One day he was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him.
"Show him right in!" the lawyer replied.

As Mr. Jones was being ushered in the lawyer had an idea. He quickly picked up the phone and shouted into it "...and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!"
Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones, "Good morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?"


"I'm from the telphone company," Mr. Jones replied. "I'm here to connect that phone."

Joke - Bad Luck

Old Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

Joke - Get In Line!

A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by. It is the longest procession he has ever seen, with a long line of men walking behind the bead body. He notices that the first man in line has a nice big dog on a leash. After watching the long line for a few minutes, the man's curiosity gets the better of him, so he goes up to the first man in the procession.


"Excuse me, Sir" he says to the mourner with the dog, "I'm very sorry to bother you in your time of grief, but never in my life have I seen such a large funeral procession. Could you please tell who this funeral is for?"


"Yes," said the man, tightening the leash on his dog, "the funeral is for my mother-in-law. "You see," he says, "my dog, here attacked and killed her."


"Gee, I'm really sorry to hear that," says the other man,


"But.. tell me do you think may be I could borrow this dog?"


The mourner points his thumb over the shoulders and says, "Get in Line."

Joke - Better View

Cricket humour - In a cricket match every decision of the umpire was received by the spectators with hoots of derision. The umpire finally decided to quit the field and joined the crowd.

A spectator asked him : Why are you sitting here?"


I an trying to find out if I can see the game better from here? 

Joke - Stay There

It was raining heavily and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farm house and knocked on the front door.
No one responded. He could feel the water from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the porch.


The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a man appeared out of an upstairs window.


"What do you want?" he asked gruffly. "My car broke down," said the traveller "and I want to know if I can stay here for the night".


"Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's okay with me."

Jokes On The Indian Railways

Jokes on the Indian Railways. Hope you have a good laugh

1. A disappointed lover lay on the railway tracks to die. A passer-by asked why he had a rice and curry lunchbox with him.

He replies: “In this country, you can starve to death waiting for a train.”

2. Did you hear about the disgruntled passenger who decided to trick the Indian Railway? He bought a ticket but refused to travel.

3. The man about to take a train was worried by the station clocks. There was twenty minutes difference between the one in the office and the one in the waiting-room.

Finally, he questioned a porter who made a careful survey of the two clocks, and shook his head doubtfully.

Then, he brightened suddenly, and said: "It don't make a single mite of difference about the clocks. The train goes at 10 past four, no matter what."

Joke - Written Communication

Once a couple had one of their usual quarrels as a consequence of which all conversation between them stopped. Unfortunately the husband was to attend his office very early the next morning. 


So he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me up tomorrow morning," and kept it beside his wife's pillow. His wife read it and went to sleep.


He woke up very late the next morning and got very angry. He looked ferociously at his wife, but she calmly pointed towards his pillow. Under his pillow he found a piece of paper. 


On it was written, "Please wake up, it is 6 o'clock now."

Joke - Emergency Call

This is the true story of George, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.


He immediately phoned the police. The police explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.


George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.


"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."


Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. 


One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"


George said, "I thought you said there was Nobody Available!"

Humour - Symptoms Of Drinking 2 Much Coffee!

You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When:


1. You ski uphill.

2. You speed walk in your sleep.

3. You answer the door before people knock.

4. You sleep with your eyes open.

5. You just completed your third sweater today, and you don’t know how to knit.

6. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

7. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

8. The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.

9. You lick your coffee pot clean.

10. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

11. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

12. You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

13. You don’t sweat, you percolate.

14. People get dizzy just watching you.

15. People can test their batteries in your ears.

16. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

17. You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

18. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Joke - Blind Date

Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.


When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst night of my life!"


"Why is that?" her mom asked.


"He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"


"Isn't that a good thing?"


"But he's the original owner mom!"

Joke - Business Matters

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a Cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions.


 People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.


A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: 'Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.'


The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says 'Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?

Joke - Turn Over

A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory.


But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.


Furious at the factory's incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.


Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: "TURN THE BOX OVER."

Joke - Tough Decision

An Italian, a Jew, and an Irishman are marooned on a desert island for five years. One day, while walking along the beach, one of them comes across an old bottle. He rubs it and out comes a genie, who is empowered to grant each of them their dearest wish:


"Ah," says the Italian, "let me go back to the Old Country, where the wine is sweet and the women are beautiful." BANG! He vanishes.


"For me," says the Jew, "I want to go to the Holy Land and live out the rest of my days with my people." BANG! He vanishes.


"Gee," says the Irishman, "it's so hard to choose what to ask for. I wish my two friends were back here to help me decide."

Joke - Fishing Spot

Two Irishmen are out fishing for the day, and they have a great time; with the fish grabbing the hooks as fast as they can get them into the water. Finally, with the boat full of as many fish as it will hold, they decide it's time to head for shore.

"But listen," says Mick, "why don't we mark the spot?"

"No problem," says Paddy, who dives into the water and paints a big black X on the bottom of the boat.

Mick beams with pleasure, and they're almost back to the dock when his face wrinkles in consternation. "Oh, no!" he cries to Paddy, "what if we don't get the same boat?".