Joke - The Gift!

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. 


The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. 

"Is it wine?" she guessed. 

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ? 

"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!" 

Joke - Things My Mother Taught Me

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME


1. LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." 


2. TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" 


3. TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"


4. HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 


5. HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. 


6. GENETICS..."You are just like your father!" 


7. ABOUT MY ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?" 


8. ABOUT THE WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand." 


9. ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home." 


10. RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home." 


And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!" 

Joke - Blank Report Card

A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store. 

After a few minutes the clerk became curious and asked, "Just what is it you're looking for, sonny? Birthday greeting? Message to a sick friend? Anniversary congratulations to your mom and dad?" 

The boy shook his head, "No." 

"Then what kind of card is it that you want?" asked the clerk. 

The boy answered wistfully, "Got anything in the line of blank report cards?"

Joke - Naming The Babies

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. 

Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side. 

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. 

But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you." 

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?" 

Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." 

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?" 

The brother winked and replied, "Denephew." 

Joke - First Day As A Cab Driver

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. 

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" 

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. 

The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. This is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".

Humorous Travel Laws

No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. 

If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal. 

If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. 

Flights never leave from Gate No.1 at any terminal in the world. 

If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper. 

If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers. 
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you. 

The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you. 

The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Joke - Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Wall right next to your nose.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.

FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

Joke - Sweetheart

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." 

The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

Joke - Forced Sale

Seen in a local paper's "Classified" section:-

FOR SALE BY OWNER
A Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica.

45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
£1000 pounds or best offer.

REASON FOR SALE:-
Got Married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

Joke - Got Stuck?

A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."  But before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. 
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" 
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." 

Joke - Measurement Basics

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"