Joke - No Parking

This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory.

Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot.This continued until he put up the following effective sign: This parking space belongs to the Wizard....

Violators will be toad!

Joke - Weighing A Baby

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.


The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.


"That won't work," countered the woman.


"I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

Joke - Drill For Hubby

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his wife,

"Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."

She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him,

"OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."

Joke - Neighbor's Help

A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were almost identical in size.

"Murphy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten" said Murphy.

So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.

"Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"

"Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I."

Joke - Change From Professor!

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. 


Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."


The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade and his $64 change. 

Joke - Further Away

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pick up truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.


"Hey," says the lone hunter, "I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer the other way. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." 


After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try. A little while later one says to the other, "Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yep," the other added, "but we're gittin' further away from the truck...." 

Joke - I'm The Groom

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." 

Joke - Had My Lunch

The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. 


He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, "That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch."

Joke - Consolation

The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home.

"The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he never cheated during his exams." 

Humorous Things To Do On An Elevator

1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?' 


2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 


3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open.


4. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 


5. Walk in with a box that says 'human head' on the side. 


6. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons. 


7. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 


8. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space.' 


9. Announce in a demonic voice: 'I must find a more suitable host body.' 


10. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Joke - Strange!

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." 

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. 

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: 

"That's Strange!"

Humour - No Worries

In life there are two things to worry about: Either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: Either you get well or you die. 

If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: Either you will go to heaven or to hell. 

If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry.

Jokes - Nothing But Complain

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. 

"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.

 Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Joke - Annoying Customer

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.

First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.

So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile.

"We don't even have an air conditioner."

Joke - Who She Was??

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience He said "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added "And that woman was my mother" Laughter and applause followed.

A week later, a top IT manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink.

He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife". The wife went wild with shock and rage.

Standing there for 30 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out ".... and I can't remember who she was!"

Humour - Funny In Flight Announcement!

1. "As you exit the plane, please make sure you have gathered all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please be careful not to leave children or spouses behind."

2. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

3. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

4.  Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please do stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold and windy outside, and if you walk on the wings it might affect the flight pattern."

Joke - Conversations With Wife

1. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a weighing machine.

2. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station.

3. A woman is standing, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

"Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"