A Computer Is No Match For Me - One Liner Joke

A computer beat me at chess once. But, it was no match for me

at kick boxing.

Joke - Addressing Problems

The clergyman on his vacation wrote a long letter concerning his traveling experiences to be circulated among the members of the congregation. The letter opened in this form:

“Dear Friends:

“I will not address you as ladies and gentlemen, because I know you so well.”

Classic Joke - Efficiency

The highly efficient housewife bragged that she always rose early, and had every bed in the house made before anybody else in the house was up.

Funny Joke - Fog Troubles

The old gentleman was lost in a London fog, so thick that he could hardly see his hand before his face. He became seriously alarmed when he found himself in a slimy alley. Then he heard footsteps approaching through the obscurity, and sighed with relief.

“Where am I going to?” he cried anxiously.

A voice replied weirdly from the darkness beyond:

“Into the river - I’ve just come out!”

Joke - My Wife!

The gentleman at the party, turned to another guest, who had just paused beside him:

“Women are fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She was smiling at me flirtatiously a few minutes ago and now she looks cold as an iceberg.”

“I have only just arrived,” the other man said. “And she is my wife.”

What Is Experience - One Liner Joke

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

When everything's coming your way - One liner joke

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way!

What Is Time - One Liner Joke

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Purpose Of Life - One Liner Joke

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others!

If At First You Don't Succeed - One Liner Jokes

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give A Man A Fish - One Liner Joke

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Girls Are Like Roads - One Liner Jokes

Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.

What Is A Bus - One Liner Joke

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Quiet As a Mouse - One Liner Jokes

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

Fighting Fire With Fire - One Liner Jokes

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water!

Causing Happiness - One Liner Jokes

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go!!

Top Of The Food Chain - One Liner Jokes

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain just to be a Vegetarian!

Starting A Campfire - One Liner Jokes

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Joke - Cutting Down Corruption

The Prime Minister announcing a Cabinet reshuffle : "... and let me make it quite clear that the idea behind reducing the cabinet to half its size is mainly to reduce corruption by 50 per cent".

Joke - Serving Well Balanced Meals

Woman to friend : "I know I serve well-balanced meals. One day my husband complains and the next day the kids complain."

Joke - Paying Through The Nose

A guy walked into the tax collector's office with a huge bandage on his nose.

"Had an accident?" asked the tax man. "No" answered the man. "I've been paying through it for so long, it gave way under the strain".

Joke - Bad Translation

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit.

Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa)

Funny Lawyer Jokes

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.


What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.


How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side then he
lies on the other.


What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.


"No Offence Intended"

Joke - Golf Lessons

A young man who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said,

"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Joke - Putting Up A Fight

One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

"Was that all you wanted?" Murphy replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

Joke - Smart Soldiers

An Israeli soldier who had only just enlisted asked his Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO said, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that kind of recognition!"

The very next day the soldier came back driving an Arab tank!

The CO was very impressed and gave the soldier his 3-day pass.

One of the other new recruits took him aside and asked how he had managed to single-handedly capture an Arab tank.

"Simple" said the soldier, I jumped in one of our tanks and headed towards the border. As I approached the border, I saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white
flag up. Then I said to the Arab soldier, 'How would you like to get a 3-day pass?'

"So we exchanged tanks!"

Joke - Nothing In His Way

A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, "You know, honey. I think there might be some real merit to what this article says; that the intelligence of a father often proves a stumbling block to the son." 

"Well, thank heaven," said the wife. "At least our James has nothing standing in his way."

Joke – Wife Told Me!

A man died and went up to heaven. Upon arriving he noticed two signs One said “Men Who Are Bossed By Their wives,” the other one said “Men Not Bossed By Their Wives.”

After closer inspection he noticed that while next to the first sign was a big line, by the second sign there was just man. After getting even closer he realized it was his friend Harry. “Hey Harry” the man questioned “what in the world are you doing here?

“I don’t know” Harry replied “my wife told me to stand here.”

Joke – Oops!

Old Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper.

The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his pocket.

It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it.

The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”

Men Are Like Bank Account – One Liner Jokes

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

Joke – 3 Minutes To Heaven

A man died and went to “The Judgment”, they told him , “Before you meet God,  I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the  ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

Joke – Great Choices

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like dinner.

“What are my choices?” he asked

“Yes or No,” she replied

Joke – Why Did God Create Man Before Woman?

Q: Why did God create Man before Woman?

A: He didn’t want any advice.