One Cigarette Lighter - Crazy Joke

The ship was sinking fast and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely.

They decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cigarettes were dry, but all their matches were wet and they had no way to light their cigarettes.

Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard.

This worked well. They were able to smoke, because ...

... the lifeboat had become ONE CIGARETTE LIGHTER

Joke - At The Funeral Ceremony

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held and, at the end of the service, the pallbearers are once more carrying the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband shouts,

"Watch out for the wall!"

Funny Joke - Big People' Words

The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.

She then asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words."

She then asked Joey what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo," he said.

"No, you took a ride on a Train. Use big people words."

She then asked Eddie what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's wonderful," the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said,

"Winnie The Shit."

Hilarious Joke - Never Mess With A Woman

A man and a woman get in a car accident. Their cars got totally demolished but luckily both of them survive.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says,"wow! Look at the cars they're totaled! But luckily we both did not even get a scratch! This is a sign that we should become friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

Man," I totally agree wit u."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says," that bottle survived the crash just like us, I think its a sign from God. We should open it and celebrate our new found friendship."

So she hands the bottle to the man. He nods his head and because of the nerve-wrecking accident he chugs about a third of the bottle.. He hands it back to the woman, who immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

Man,"Aren't u having any?"

The woman replies," No I think ill just wait for the police;)

Funny Joke - The Elderly Couple

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your ocean side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.”

“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”

Joke : Celebrating Luck

"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor.

"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.

"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."

"I don't have a sweetheart, either."

"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

Hilarious Joke - Throwing up

A little girl went to church with her mother for the first time. Soon, the little girl began feeling ill.

"Mom," she whispered, "I think I'm going to throw up."

"Go out the front door, dear, then walk to the back of the church and do it behind the bushes. I'll be out shortly."

A few minutes later, the little girl returned.

"Are you feeling better?" asked the mother.

"Yes, but I didn't have to go to the back of the church like you said. They have a box next to the front door that says FOR THE SICK."

Funny Joke - Big Feet

Two sisters arrived home from school crying their eyes out.

“What’s the matter with the two of you?” asked their mother.

“All the kids at school always make fun of my big feet,” wailed the first sister.

“Don’t let it bother you,” comforted the mother, “Your feet aren’t that big.” She then turned her attention to the second sister. “Now why are you crying?”

“My friends invited me to go skiing and I can’t find my skis,” she cried.

“That’s not a problem,” the mother said, “You can borrow your sister’s shoes.”

Joke : Dog Tales

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bull dog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a very nice looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say 'liver' and 'cheese' in a sentence can be my topdog."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."

The Collie says, "Sorry, that's not good enough."

The Bull dog says, "I'll have some liver and cheese, please."

She says, "Sorry, that's not creative enough."

Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone... cheese mine."

Funny Joke - The Pilot And The Photographer

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great bush fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his office to hire a plane

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let’s go! Let’s go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you’re not the instructor?"

Hilarious Joke - A New Pilot

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

Worst Thing Your Wife Can Catch You Doing : Joke

Q: What is the worst thing your wife can catch you doing?

A: Nothing

Joke - Why Women Speak More

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study in that morning's newspaper which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that the reason women use twice as many words as men is because they have to repeat everything they say.

He looked up from his paper and said, "What?"

Joke - Cooking The Right Way

A young newlywed was preparing a ham for Christmas dinner. She carefully cut off the end of the ham before placing it in the pan for baking.

Her husband asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham?"

And she replied, "I really don't know, but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."

Later, when talking to her mother, she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,

"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied,

"Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."

Hilarious Joke - Changing Underwear

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces,

"I've got great news. Today we're going to change our underwear."

The troops start cheering at the news. Then the Sargent says,

"Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..."

A CUSTOMER WALKS INTO A BAR JOKE

A CUSTOMER WALKS INTO A BAR
one evening sporting a pair of swollen black eyes that look extremely painful.


‘Hey, Maddy!’ says the bartender. ‘Who gave you those beauties?’


‘Nobody gave them to me,’ said Maddy. ‘I had to fight like crazy for both of them.’

Joke - The Wrong Way

A blonde was driving down the Freeway when her Mobile phone rang.

It was her husband warning her:

"Darling", he said, "I just heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way down the Freeway. Please be careful!"

"Its not just one car", cried the blonde, "There are hundreds of them!"