Family Ties - Hilarious Jokes

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR and sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching his friend, he comments, ‘You look terrible. What’s the matter?’

‘My mother died in August,’ his friend says, ‘and left me $25,000.’

‘Man, that’s tough,’ he replies.

‘Then in September,’ the friend continues, ‘my father died, leaving me $90,000.’

‘Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.’

‘And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.’

‘Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.’

‘Then this month,’ continued the friend, ‘absolutely nothing!’

A GOLF CLUB WALKS INTO A BAR - Funny Joke

A GOLF CLUB WALKS INTO A BAR and orders a beer, but the bartender refuses to serve him.

‘Why not?’ asks the golf club.

‘You’ll be driving later.’

Johnny Buries His Goldfish - Hilarious Joke

Little Jonny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. 

Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Jonny?"

"My goldfish died," replied Jonny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Jonny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat!"

Cleaning Lessons - Funny Joke

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder, who taught her this?"

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows!"

That's How You Fish - Funny Joke

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.

A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.

"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want," and with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.

"What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are Steelhead Trouts in this river?!"

Nailed To The Plus Sign - Funny Joke

Little Johnny was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything-tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short everything that they could think of. Finally, in a last-ditch effort, they took Johnny down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Johnny came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and paper were spread out all over the room and Little Johnny was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner and, to her shock and amazement, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the Mother tried to understand what had made all the difference. Finally, little Johnny brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and, to her surprise, little Johnny had gotten an 'A' in Math. She could no longer contain her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Johnny looked at her and shook his head.

"Well then," She persisted, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??"

Little Johnny looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Waiting For A Train - Hilarious Joke

A man had to attend a convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said, "You rest here while I'll go and confirm my registration for the convention. I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed. Just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.

Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look, lie here on the bed. You'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in.

"What are you doing here?"

The manager replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

Budweiser V/s Fairness Cream - Hilarious Joke

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of fairness cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my fairness cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

He never knew what hit him.

Human Beans - Funny Joke

A teacher asked her class to make sentences using the word "beans"

My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said another.

Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans," he said.

The Movie-going Dog - Funny Joke

Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much.

 He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"

"Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"

The Dog - Funny Joke

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you re welcome to stay here, too.”

Dinosaur Bones - Funny Joke

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard,“Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”

The guard replies, “They are three million, four years, and six months old.”

“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”

The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!”

The Castle And The Airport - Funny Joke

Windsor castle, outside of London, is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport. While a group of tourist was standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise.

One particularly annoyed tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport?"

Difference Between Complete & Finished - Funny Joke

People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.

But there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are... COMPLETELY FINISHED.

Little Johnny And The Psychologist

Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every day since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admired the pictures and hung them on the refrigerator.

One thing started bothering her. Little Johnny only used black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem and not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take him to a child psychologist.

The psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chatted with Little Johnny. Everything seemed perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continued. Yet everyday, Little Johnny continued to bring home drawings in only blacks and browns.

Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something was terribly wrong, the child psychologist decided to give Little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happened.

Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, "Oh, Boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!"