A good speech

Lydia said to her husband, "Phil, you delivered a great speech today."

Phil said, "Well, thank you. But you know what, the audience was full of stupid morons."

Lydia asked teasingly, "No wonder you started your speech with BROTHERS AND SISTERS!"

Strategy for survival

Ronald Gabriel was known for his love for golf. How good he was at the sport is another story.

Once while playing, the golf ball landed on an ant-hill. Ronald swung at the ball sitting on the ant-hill. One could see an explosion of mud and ants flying in the air. Everything seemed to have moved but not the golf ball which had not budged from its place.

So Ronald gave it another try and again mud & ants flew in all directions but the golf ball remained where it was.

Two ants, Rub & Dub, who had survived the assault were discussing their strategy for survival.

Rub asked, "What do you think should we do?"

Dub replied, "The only sensible thing to do is to get on the ball as as soon as possible."

Neil's letter

When my 5 year old son Neil was scribbling something on a notepad, I asked him teasingly, "Are you writing a letter to God?"

Neil replied, "No. I am writing a letter to myself."

I asked, "All right. What are you writing to yourself?"

Neil replied, "There's no way to know. I have not received the letter yet."

Books you should read

Betty was at home with her dad when she suddenly noticed her boyfriend Rob at the gate.

Betty said to Rob, "Did you come to borrow the book titled DAD DOESN'T LIKE IT by Roger Brown"

Rob replied, "No, I wanted to borrow the book SHOULD I WAIT FOR U IN THE PARK by Ruchi Mukherjee?"

Betty said, "I do not have that book. I suggest you borrow the one titled AT THE COFFEE SHOP by Nazir Hussain."

Rob said, "Ok, please also get THE SOONER THE BETTER by Cindy Chan."

Betty replied, "No problem. I will also fetch WON'T LET U DOWN by Ojas Patel."

Betty's dad said, "Don't tell me he is going to read all those books."

Besst said, "He will dad. He's very smart."

Dad barked, "All right. Just remember to add the book titled DO U THINK I AM STUPID! by James Bond."

Property agent

Ben, a property agent, was showing a condo to a couple, Mr. & Mrs. Jones, who wanted to occupy the property on rent.

Ben asked, "Are you both employed?"

The couple nodded in unison.

Ben asked, "Children?"

Mrs Jones, replied, "Three. Ages six, eight & nine."

Ben asked, "Animals?"

Mrs. Jones replied, "No no. They are all decent and well behaved children."

Acquit a murderer

The DA, staring at the jury of 12 in disbelief said, "How on earth could you acquit this murderer?"

One of them answered, "Insanity."

The DA said, "All 12 of you?"

Breaking the news

Doctor Ludwig called his patient Thomas and said, "I need to share two things with you. I am afraid the first bit of information is not good news. I will find it even harder to break the next bit of information to you."

Thomas braced himself and said to the doctor, "Okay, tell me, how bad is it?"

Doctor Ludwig said, "You have less than 48 hours to live."

Thomas exclaimed, "What??!! I can't believe this! What could we worse than this?"

Doctor Ludwig sighed and said, "I was unable to get through your phone since day before."

The flirting salesman

Dennis, a salesman at a clothing store, was a big flirt. He had often been warned for flirting with customers but he was not one to give up so soon.

One day, a pretty young thing came to the store and selecting a dress material, asked him, "How much for this fabric material for a new gown?"

Dennis replied, "For you, it's a kiss a meter."

The girl, shocked by this rude reply, quickly recovered and said, "Ok, I will take 12 meters then."

Dennis, not believing his good luck, quickly measured and wrapped the fabric. Then holding the parcel out to her, he looked at her with naughty eyes.

The girl, snatching the parcel from him and pointing towards an old man, said, "Grandpa here will settle the bill."

Understanding gadgets

Dora had always been scared of technology and was never good with gadgets. She had a talent for mixing up instructions. Within a week of her marriage, her hubby bought her a brand new state-of-the-art automatic coffee maker.

The salesman explained in details how that thing worked. Plugging it in - setting the timer. He explained to her that she can go back to bed and when she wakes up, the coffee is ready for her.

A couple of days later, Dora went to visit the store. When the salesman asked her how was the coffee maker working, Dora replied, "Oh, it's great! But there's one thing that I always wanted to ask you. Why do I have to go to sleep every time I want to make some coffee for my husband and me?”

I am a duck!

Mr. Pereira went to see a shrink about his son's problem.

He said to the shrink, "I am very anxious about my son's condition. He thinks he is a duck."

The shrink asked him, "Since when has he been displaying such behavior?"

Mr. Pereira replied, "Almost 6 months I guess."

The shrink exclaimed, "My god, why didn't you see me earlier about this problem?"

Mr. Pereira replied, "I am ashamed to say this. But we needed the eggs."

Earn a new phone

When Daniel returned home from one of his business trips, he noticed his son showing off a brand new mobile phone.

Daniel asked his son Stephen, "How did you get that?"

Stephen replied, "By getting lost."

Daniel asked, "Getting lost? What do you mean?"

Stephen replied, "While you were away, Mom's boss came home every night and gave me 10 pounds to get lost."

The brute

Joe was running a circus since the last 2 decades. When his lion tamer left, he knew he had to find a replacement soon. In reply to an ad, there were two people who turned up. One was an old guy called Johny and the other a stunning brunette called Lydia.

Joe handed them both a whip each and warned them that the lion was ferocious and quite a brute.

When asked who wanted to try their luck first, Lydia raised her hand. Leaving her whip behind, she simply walked into the lion's cage. Seeing her, the lion got up and charged towards her. Lydia unbuttoned her waistcoat revealing her smooth curves.

The lion stopped, lied down and rolled on the ground like a puppy. He started licking her feet. Joe was astounded by this sight.

He turned to the other candidate, Johny and said, "Well, can you beat that?"

"Sure", said old man Johnny, "Just get that wild animal out of there."

Upset boss

My boss, Mr. Somel was upset with me for coming late to work.

He shouted at me saying, "You should have been here at 9 am."

I replied, "Why? What happened at 9?"

Use of a cell phone

When Abdul went to talk to his shrink about his marital issues, the shrink asked him, "Do you talk to your wife when you make love at night?"

"Of course I do", replied Abdul, "What do you think I use my cell phone for?"

Thunder and lightening

When there was loud thunder and lightening, little Joey was rudely woken out of his slumber and he ran to his parents' bedroom.

His father tried to comfort him by saying, "There's no need to be scared of thunder & lightening. It's just some sound & flash that God makes when he is displeased with someone telling a lie."

Little Joey asked,"But why is God making those sounds at this hour? It's past midnight and everyone is fast asleep."

His father said, "Yes that's right, my son. But this is the time when newspapers get printed!"

Be polite!

When I took my son Neel to a restaurant to have pizza, I could see how impatient he was getting waiting for the pizza to arrive.

When the waiter finally served the pizza, Neel quickly took the bigger piece for himself.

I thought I needed to talk to him, and said, "Neel, you gotta learn to be polite."

"Huh", said Neel, "What was that about?"

"You know what I am talking about", I said.

"Ok" said Neel. "If you had to pick up first, which one would you take?"

I replied, "The smaller one, of course."

Neel shot back, "You want the smaller one, you get the smaller one. So where is the problem?"

The trouble you got yourself into

Janie bought a new SIM card and the fist thought that came to her mind was to surprise her husband Jake. So Janie replaced the old SIM with the new one in her cellphone. She went to the bedroom and called Jake who was reading the newspaper in the living room.

"Hi Sweetheart!" she said, calling from the new number.

Jake replied in a hushed tone, "Can I call you back sweety. My wife is in the bedroom!"

Attractive package by Mehta travels

Mehta travels, a travel agency based in India, advertised an attractive package to enhance sales. They offered a free ticket for the spouse on the purchase of one ticket to Europe. Undoubtedly, the scheme was a huge success with men buying the package trip and sales multiplied.

When the scheme ended, Mehta travels sent letters to the wives asking for feedback on the vacation.

All of them replied, "What vacation?"

A rainy night

Anita is invited to her friend's place for dinner. Judy, the hostess, serves her a delicious dinner. Later, when Anita is ready to leave, it starts raining heavily. Judy invites her to stay over for the night and go home when the weather clears th next day. Anita agrees.

Anita settles down to watch TV while Judy goes up into the bedroom to help her kid go to sleep.

When Judy comes down, she finds Anita missing. While she was wondering where Anita had gone, the  doorbell rings. Its Anita at the door. Judy asks her blonde friend where she had been. Anita replies, "I went home to get my nightwear."

Hell's not so bad

Joe Fernandez was involved in a road accident and died. He realized he was in hell when he was approached by an attendant of the devil.

The attendant said, "Why are you looking so depressed?"

Joe Fernandez replied, "I died young. And then I land up in hell. Of course, I am depressed."

The attendant said, "It's not so bad out here. In fact, we have loads of fun. U like booze?"

"Yeah, I do," said Joe Fernandez.

The attendant said, "Tuesdays are booze days. We play rock music and drink beer all day."

Joe Fernandez said, "Sounds good to me."

The attendant asked, "Do you like to smoke?"

Joe Fernandez replied, "I do, yes"

The attendant said, "We get to smoke all we can on Thursdays. The finest cigars are available, we don't care about cancer, we ain't alive anyways."

Joe Fernandez said, "That's awesome!"

The attendant asked, "Do you like to gamble?"

Joe Fernandez replied, "I don't mind."

The attendant said, "Wait till you hear about Fridays. We get to gamble all day. Its smashing!"

Joe Fernandez exclaimed, "I can't believe it!"

The attendant asked, "Do you like to get high on narcot*cs?"

Joe Fernandez said, "Whoa! Man...the works."

The attendant said, "On Sundays, we all get high on weed. All sorts available. Take your pick!"

Joe Fernandez said, "Who would have thought hell is such a rockin' place!"

The attendant asked, "Are u g*y?"

Joe Fernandez replied, "No!"

The attendant said, "I don;t think you are gonna like Mondays."

Mary's birthday

Phil forgot his wife Mary's birthday and she was sure mad as hell.

Mary screamed at him ,"I can't believe this! After doing so much for you for all these years, how could you just forget my b'day?"

Phil replied, "Honey, its not my fault. You never seem to be getting any older. No wonder I forgot."

Mary's anger melted and she hugged Phil.

Phil winked at his refection in the mirror and thought to himself, "Thank God I could come up with this line and the timing was so right! Or else I would have had it today!!!"

Rock-hard bread

 Ronnie asked his friend Bubba, "Why do you have broken teeth?"

Bubba replied, "My wife gave me rock-hard bread."

Ronnie said, "Well, why didn't you just refuse to eat?"

Bubba sighed and replied, "She threw it at me!"

Bus ride

When Tony entered the bus, the only vacant seat he found was between an old lady and a pretty young girl. He took the seat, and was soon nodding off. In no time, he went into a deep slumber. When he woke up with a sudden jerk of the bus, he realized his head was resting on the old lady's lap. He quickly steadied himself and said, "Dear Lord, lead me not into temptation."

Tony dozed off and again and when he woke up this time, he found that his head was resting on the lap of the pretty young girl. Smiling, he said, "Oh Lord, let thy will be done..smyle it off & hv a gr8 day!"

Lost trekker

Stan, a trekking enthusiast, was on one of his trek trips when he realized he was lost. There was fog all around and visibility was poor. He kept wandering for 4 days and almost losing his mind, when the fog
receded, and he noticed a man in the distance. Hopes regained, he ran to the man and cried, "Help!"

The man asked him, "What happened?"

Stan replied, "I am lost! I have been wandering for the past 4 days without food and water."

The man asked him, "Is there a reward for you?"

Stan thought and replied, "I don't think so? Why?"

"Well, if that be the case, you are still lost!" replied the man, and disappeared into the fog.

Game

Sardar Santa Singh was walking through the big estate that his father had left him.

He suddenly noticed a young girl lying naked in the fields.

Santa asked the girl, "Are you game?"

"Yess!", cooed the pretty young thing.

So Sardar Santa Singh shot her.

Too shy, Doctor

When Dorothy went for her annual check-up, the doctor asked her to undress and lie down on the examination table. Her uneasiness evident, Dorothy said to the doctor, "Doctor, I am too shy to undress in front of you."

Dr. Hanks said, "I understand. I will switch off the lights. When you are done undressing, just tell me."

After 2 minutes, Dorothy said to the doctor in the dark, "Doctor Hanks, I am done. Where should I keep my clothes?"

Dr. Hanks replied, "Just keep them over here, on top of mine."

Sandy Hill

Ms. Pitroda, the new Social sciences teacher, had just started teaching, when she noticed Tom walk in late.

She asked, "Why are you late?"

Tom replied. "I was climbing Sandy Hill."

Ms. Pitroda saw another boy called Jack walk in after 10 minutes.

She asked him, "Why so late?"

Jack replied, "I was climbing Sandy Hill."

About 15 minuted later, another boy, Fred walked in.

Ms. Pitroda demanded angrily, "Young man, what is your excuse for coming in so late?"

Fred replied, "I was climbing Sandy Hill."

Ms. Pitroda, now frustrated asked the class, "Will someone tell me where this Sandy Hill is?"

A pretty girl entered the class and said, "I am here mam."

Janie's got a gun

When Janie entered the local store selling sports goods, she was greeted by the owner.

The owner said, "How can I help you miss?"

Janie said, "I want to buy a handgun for my husband."

The owner asked, "Did he give you the specifications?"

Janie replied, "You must be joking. He has no idea that I plan to shoot him!"

Bad stomach

Joe was visiting his relatives in DC. He stayed back for a couple of days. one night, he had a drink too many and had also eaten street food. He was not feeling too well the next morning. His stomach was so upset, he felt sick. He rushed to the bathroom several times but they all turned out to be false alarms. When he felt the urge one more time, he decided it was another false one, and did not budge from the bed. The next thing he knew he had dirtied the bed and it was a pathetic sight.

Not knowing what to do and embarrassed by the thought that his relatives will find out that he has splattered the bed sheet with unmentionables, he quickly collected the bed sheet and threw it out of the window.

The soiled sheet landed on a drunk who was passing by underneath the window. the drunk started swearing and screaming hysterically, punching in the air which left the bed sheet in a messy pile.

A passer-by, intrigued by the incident, stopped to ask what was going on.

The drunk replied, "You won't believe it but I just beat the cr*p out of a ghost!"

Curious Betty

Betty was a curious little girl. She asked her mother one day, "Mom, how was I born?"

Her mother, careful with her words, said, "God created you."

Betty asked, "What about you? Did he create you too?"

Her mother replied, "Yes he did, my child."

Betty, not satisfied yet, asked, "What about Dad, grandad, grandma?"

Her mother replied, "Yes sweety, all of them were created by God."

Betty said, "You must be kidding me Mom. Do you really mean no one has made love in the family in the last 100 years? no wonder we are a crazy family!"


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Do not copy - http://funnyjokes4me.blogspot.com

Loud drums

Tom: Why can't King Kong play the drums?

Jerry: That's because he is too sensitive.

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Do not copy - http://funnyjokes4me.blogspot.com

The Maldives experience

Mona was discussing her solo trip to Maldives. He told her friend Jasmine that she had a good time. She went on to describe how awesome the beaches of Maldives were.

Mona had a twinkle in her eye when she declared she had some good and some bad experiences.

Jasmine could not wait to hear it, so she urged Mona to tell her quickly what the experiences were.

Mona said, "Well..the good news is....I shared the room with two amazingly handsome men!"

Jasmine exclaimed, "Really? What could possibly the bad news?"

Mona replied, "They were dating each other."

Roma and Soma

Roma and Soma were centenarian twin sisters living in an old age home in Kolkata, India. A leading newspaper was doing an article on twin sisters above 100 years of age worldwide. Roma and Soma were contacted for an interview and a photography session.

Roma was hard of hearing, so she was a little dependent on Soma.

After the interview, the photographer told them he would be taking some snaps. 

 

Roma asked Soma, "What did he say?"

Soma replied, "He said he would take our pictures."

The photographer then said to them, "Please sit down on the couch."
 
Roma asked Soma, "What did he say?"

Soma replied, "He asked us to sit down on the couch." So they both sat down on the couch.

The photographer then said to them, "Can you both hold hands please."

Roma asked Soma, "What did he say?"

Soma replied, "He asked us to hold hands." So they held hands.

The photographer then said to them, "Please don't move, stay still. I have got to focus."

Roma asked Soma, "What did he say?"

Soma replied, "He said he has got to focus."

Roma's eyes lit up and she said, "Do you mean - both of us??"

Gloves with money

Old Gerald was happy for his granddaughter Betty who was getting married. During the ceremony, he slipped a 1000 dollars into her hands and said she could use it when she felt cranky and wanted to splurge. Betty kissed her grandpa and slid the money in her right glove.

Owing to family tradition, Betty and her groom Peter spent their first night in the family mansion. Late in the night, Betty's grandma saw her sneaking out of her bedroom and heading towards another room. She called out to Betty amnd asked, "Where are you going this late?"

Betty replied, "Oh, I left my gloves in another room and I must have them now."

"God help girls of today", Grandma said, "Young woman, you go back to your room right now and grasp that thing with your bare hands same way I did your grandpa's."

A flute for Dustin

Dustin had taken leave from his services in the army to get married. No sooner was the wedding over, Dustin got a call from the army directing him to to resume his duties with immediate effect. He was informed that he was stationed in Vietnam.for 2 years. 

After he reached Vietnam, he really started to miss his wife. He sent a mail to her. It read, "Sweetheart, it seems like I am going to be here for a long time. I miss you terribly. You know the local girls here are quite attractive and its so hard to fight the temptation. I guess I will have to take up some hobby to keep my mind from wandering."

Lisa, his bride wrote back to him, "Sweetheart, I have couriered a parcel to you. It will solve your problem."

When Dustin received the parcel, he found a flute inside with a note 'You should learn to play this.'

Finally, the two years came to an end, and Dustin got to go back home. He rushed to his wife, and picking her up in his arms, said, "Oh God! How much I missed you. I want you so much...let's go to bed."

"Wait a minute", said Lisa, "Lets hear you play the flute first."

Missing mule

Nathan lived in the country and wanted to go to town to find some work.

So one fine day, he headed for town riding his mule. When he reached, Nathan went to an eatery to catch some grub, tying his mule outside. When he came out, he found his mule was missing! He searched for his beloved mule all day but it had just vanished. He stayed in the town for a couple of days looking for his missing friend, but could not find him.

Disappointed and demoralized, he decided to return to his village. He boarded a train to go back.

He was lying down on his berth, when he could hear a couple groping and fidgeting on the berth above him. They were kissing and feeling each other. The guy said to his girlfriend in a very romantic tone, "I can see the whole wide world in your beautiful eyes."

Nathan jumped and said, "If you see the whole would, please help me find my mule!"

Won't lie to a dying man

Peter Jones was lying on his deathbed. His family was there next to him - his wife Paula and his three sons. While two of his sons, Patrick and Pedro were handsome and well-built, the third son, Jeremy, was extremely ugly.

Peter says to his wife in a weak voice, "Paula dear, there is something that I always wanted to ask you. I can't go in peace unless I know. Is Jeremy really my son? Please tell me the truth. I will forgive you if you tell me the truth."

Paula strokes his hair gently and answers, "Yes, Jeremy is your son. I swear by God that you are his father. I would not lie to a dying man."

Peter, satisfied, by the answer, dies in peace.

Paula mutters, "What a relief he didn't ask about Patrick and Pedro."

The problems with old age

Desmond, Gary and Michael - all gentlemen of age 80 plus are enjoying each others company in a park in Washington DC.

Desmond brings up the subject of life at their age, and says, "It's a wretched life. I am at an age where I can afford exotic food. You all know what a foodie I am. But the doctor will allow me only boiled vegetables."

Gary has his own tale of woes. He says, "I sure agree with Desmond. When I come to a point in my life where I can afford the best wines, what do I have? A bad liver. It sucks."

Michael joins the cribbing club and says, "I know the feeling folks. Last night, I woke up the missus at 3 am and asked if she would like to do it. She yelled at me asking me if I was in my senses cos we had just finished doing it for the 2nd time last night."

There was a pause, and then Desmond asked, "So, what is the problem?"

Michael replied, "Can't you see guys? I am losing my memory!"

Cherrapunji

Janco, a tourist from China visited Cherrapunji in India. Janco was unaware of the fact that Cherrapunji is one of the wettest places on earth. It was raining the day Janco arrived. It rained the next day and the day after that. She was there for almost a week and there was not a day without rain.

Sipping a cup of hot tea at a local joint, she saw a kid and asked him, "Hello, does it ever stop raining in this town?"

The little fellow replied, "How would I know? I am only 5."

Fear of Freddie

Freddie and Mary were married for many years but all they did was fight. They would not agree on anything and would quarrel day in and day out. In fact, the neighbours had all become tired of this constant bickering and fighting. One thing they often heard during these arguments was the man's hiss-like warning saying, "When I am dead, I am going to dig up and walk out of my grave to give you nightmares all your life."

The neighbours thought Freddie practiced voodoo. There were strange happenings in the small town like strays getting hurt, and they thought Freddie was responsible.

One night, Freddie suddenly died under mysterious circumstances. After the funeral, Mary headed for the local pub and had the time of her life.

She partied every night and would come home very late.

Some of her neighbours asked her, "Aren't you tensed about what Freddie used to repeatedly tell you. With all the voodoo practice he indulged in, and his threat that he would dig up and walk out of his grave to stalk you, aren't you scared?"

Mary replied, "Let him dig all he wants. I buried the joker upside down."

The village fools

Gerald and Tony were the village fools who were made fun of all the time.

They were riding together on their bicycles, when Gerald stopped abruptly, got off his bicycle and began to let air out of the tyres.

Tony said to him, "What the hell are you doing?"

Gerald replied, "I wanted my seat to be low as I have to stretch too much while pedaling."

Tony could not stand such display of stupidity. He got off his bicycle, loosened his seat and turned it in the opposite direction.

Now, it was Gerald who was surprised. He asked, "And what are you doing?"

Tony replied, "Listen buddy, if you will continue doing such idiotic things, I am going back home."

Neither do I

Ted and Diana met at a night club. After a couple of drinks, they decided to go to Diana's place. After a night full of passion, Diana was the first one to wake up.

She went to the kitchen, and called out, "Honey, would you like bed-tea?"

Ted replied, "No sugar, I will join you in the kitchen."

Diana said, "Darling, would you like corn flakes with milk for breakfast?"

Ted replied, "Sweety, I would prefer wheat flakes, thanks!"

Diana said, "Wait a minute...don't tell me you don't remember my name either!!"

Dad's profession

My friend Sara was teaching her 3 year old son about various professions.

She asked little Roy, "What does a tailor do?"

Roy replied, "A tailor makes clothes."

Sara then asked him, "What does the milkman do?"

Roy replied, "He delivers milk."

She then asked, "Okay, what does your Dad do?"

Roy, knowing that his father was in the Air Force, replied, "He flashes his card wherever he goes."

Buffalo on the road

Jerry was driving his car in the countryside, when a very fat woman on a scooter zipped past him.

Jerry yelled, "Hey! Buffalo!"

The fat woman turned her head and yelled back, "You idiotic moron!"

The next thing she knew was that she was lying flat on on road and her scooter lay upside down. She realized she had an accident. It was a buffalo crossing the road that Jerry was warning her about!
 

Can't smoke here

Mike buys a pack of cigarettes from a store and proceeds to light a cigarette.

The store-keeper yells, "Hey, you can't smoke in here!"

Mike says, "But I bought it from your store."

The store-keeper shoots back, "Oh really, smart fella! We also sell condoms here, that does not imply that you can start using them here."

Encounters with the supernatural

It was a seminar on the existence of the supernatural and people who had encountered it.

The speaker, Dr. Reiss, posed a question before the audience, "Has anyone here seen a spirit?"

Almost everyone raised their hands. Dr. Reiss then asked, "Has anyone had a conversation with a spirit?"

A number of people raised their hands. Dr. Reiss asked next, "Has anyone here touched a spirit?"


A few people raised their hands. Dr. Reiss then asked, "Has anyone made love to a spirit?"

An old man at the back raised his hand. Dr. Reiss tried to figure out who had said that, and repeated his question, "Do you mean you really made love with a spirit?"

 The old fellow replied, "Oh, Guess I didn't hear you right the first time. I thought you said 'egret.'"

Boring book

Natasha, a blonde,  entered the library and said to the person in charge, "This book is boring. No tale and just too many characters."

The person in charge said, "No wonder I was looking for the telephone directory all day."

Pirate joke

Two pirates, Rex Hawkbill and Don Blythe, both of them ship-wrecked from their respective vessels, met in the sea. Each was hanging on to his raft.

Rex Hawkbill called out to Don, "Ahoy! Did your ship sink?"

Don Blyth replied, "Yes, 6 months back."

Rex Hawkbill said. "Really? And you have been floatin' all this time?"

Don Blyth replied, "Aye, what about it?"

Rex Hawkbill asked, "How did you bear it for all this time?"

Don Blyth said, "I have been askin' myself the same thing. It was actually boring, weekends in particular."

A trekking expedition

Mike was telling Elaine that he just finish a trekking expedition in the highest mountain ranges in the world.

Elaine asked him, "Everest?"

Mike replied, "Yeah, after every 200 feet."

MBA joke

The Tata group of companies decided to invite bids for their new Power generation plant. They called for bidders, and three companies decided to bid.

At the meeting, the Project Head of the Tata group asked the first bidder to quote his price.

The CEO of the first company who had done his MBA from Symbiosis said, "5 million. 3 mil for material and 2 mil for labour."

The Project Head then asked the CEO of the second company to present his bid.

The CEO of the second company who had done his MBA from NMIMS said, "10 million. 4 mil for material, 3 mil for labour, and another 3 for variable expenses."

The Project Head then asked the CEO of the third company to present his bid.

The CEO of the third company who was a product of IIM said, "15 million."

The project Head yelled, "15 million!!! What is the breakdown of costs?"

The CEO of the third company replied, "5 million for you. 5 for me. And 5 mil to get the fellow from Symbiosis to do the project."

Strange compliment

I was seated on a park bench, when an old lady who came and sat next to me, smiled and said, "You are very pretty."

I must have had a disbelieving expression on my face, because she was quick to assure me that she had given a sincere compliment.

I tried to explain to her by saying, "It's just that I hardly ever get to hear pleasant comments about my looks."

The old lady smiled and said,  "Just because you are plump does not mean you aren't pretty."

Proud pathan

A Pathan called Sher Singh goes to a pub and announces, "Bartender, serve drinks to everyone. Bill it to me. My wife has given birth to a typical Pathan boy weighing 5 kilos."

There is a lot of cheering and everyone congratulates Sher Singh.

After 15 days, Sher Singh visits the bar again. The bar-keep says to him, "Hey, aren't you the father of a typical Pathan boy whose weight was 5 kilos at birth? How much does the boy weigh now?'

Sher Singh proudly answers, "3 kilos!"

The bar-keep is surprised and asks, "What happened? Didn't he weight 5 kilos at birth?"

Sher Singh finished his drink and said, "Got the boy circumcised."

Call from the Sunflower clinic

When the Sunflower Clinic called Daniel on him home number, they got the following message on his answering machine.

"Hey, this is Daniel and i am having a great day in the outdoors. The positive thought for the day is LOVE EVERYONE! Leave your name & number and you will hear from me." "Beep".

The caller from the Sunflower left a message, "This is a call from the Sunflower clinic. Talking of POSITIVE, your VD test is back. Stop LOVING EVERYONE."

Grimace

When Susan walked into the living room in curlers and a much-worn night gown, her husband Ruth could not hide a grimace and commented, "How I wish you could look like how you were when we got married."

Susan replied, "Yeah? Tell me how can I? I ain't pregnant!"

How fast?

Roy lived in the countryside with his family. One morning, he was helping his buffalo give birth, when he noticed that his daughter, Kelly, was watching the entire event with curious eyes.

Roy thought to himself that one day he will have to explain to her about the birds and the bees. Why not grab the opportunity and start now, as this was a good occasion.

After the process was over, and a little baby buffalo was born, Roy walked up to Kelly and asked, "Well sweetheart, do you have any questions?"

Little Kelly, still shaken by the entire experience, asked, "How fast was the calf going when it hit the buffalo?"

Airport embarrassment

This is the story of my friend Joe. Joe was a traveling salesman who would often go out of town on business. One night when Joe returned from a business trip, there was heavy thunder and lightning. He opened the bedroom door and found both his children, Mark and Tina, in bed with his wife. They must have been scared by the sound of thunder and must have wanted the comfort of their mother. Joe went down and slept on the couch that night.

The next morning, during breakfast, Joe explained to his kids that it was fine to sleep with their mother if they are scared, but if he was expected to be back, then they should sleep in their room. The children nodded and said they understood.

After his next trip which turned out to be a long one, Joe's wife and the children decided to receive him at the airport as they had missed him a lot. There were several people in the terminal who had come to receive their friends & family.

As soon as Joe was in sight, his son Mark went running to him and said, "Daddy, I have news for you!"

Joe, lifting his son into his arms, asked, "And what is it?"

Mark announced, "No one slept with Mom while you were on tour this time!"

There was pin-drop-silence. Everybody looked at the little kid, and then at Joe and then tried to figure out who the kid's Mom was.

Missing husband

Gina calls the police to report that her husband, John is missing since 3 days. An officer comes to meet her and asked her to describe her missing husband.

Gina tells the investigating officer, "John height is 6' 3", very handsome, has thick hair, and a smile that can light up a room."

The officer makes notes and then rings the neighbor's doorbell to investigate. The neighbor, Mrs. Jones tells him that she had noticed nothing unusual. When asked about John's appearance to match what his wife Gina had said, Mrs. Jones said, "She is a liar. John's must not be more than 5' 5". He is bald, has scars on his face and is always in a rotten mood."

Later that day, Mrs. Jones asks Gina why she had given false details to the officer.

Gina replied, "Well, if I reported him missing doesn't mean that I want John back."

Bad weather

Nathan was up early on Sunday morning, dressed up, packed sandwiches for himself, took the dog by the leash, and tip-toed into the garage. He loaded the boat into his Chevrolet pick-up truck, fired it up and drove into the pouring rain. There was heavy snowfall with sharp gusts of wind. Nathan drove back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that there would be a storm.

So he quietly went back to the house, changed into his pyjamas and slipped into the. He ran his hand all over his wife's back and whispered, "The weather's really bad!"

She replied in a sleepy voice, "Can you believe that dim-witted husband of mine is fishing in these conditions!"

A drunkard's story

Tom was an alcoholic and had been trying to kick the habit. He had joined AA, and with great difficulty, had managed to keep off hard drinks. While running an errand downtown, he passed by a pub and has the urge to have a few quick drinks. He promised himself that he is gonna have only a few beers and get out fast, 'cos if he got drunk, he was sure his wife would abandon him.

So he went in, and could not help but get drunk. To make matters worse, he threw up and spoilt his jacket. He started weeping because he knew the inevitable - Mary would get mad at him and seek a divorce. An old gent sitting next to Tom asked him what was wrong and Tom narrated his tale. The old gent said, "C'mon it's not all that bad. I will give you an idea. Take a dollar bill and put it in your jacket pocket. Tell you wife you only had a couple of beers and I puked on you. Just say that I gave you the dollar to get it dry cleaned."

Tom thought it was a great idea and thanked the old man. He went home and when Mary saw his soiled jacket, she got wild and screamed, "You got drunk again! After having put up with you for so long, after having been through so much, you just didn't care about me and got drunk! I am leaving! Now!"

Tom urged Mary to stop and said, "Let me explain, sweetheart. I did not get drunk, only had a couple of buds."

Mary yelled, "Take a look at yourself, you threw up and your jacket is all soiled!"

Tom explained, "There was an old man who was drunk and he threw up on me. He put a dollar bill in my jacket to have it cleaned up. See here."

Mary reached into his pocket and pulled out a $5 bill.

"Isn't this a $5 bill?" she asked.

Tom replied, "Uhh, I forgot to mention. He soiled my pants too!"

Keep the magic alive!

John, Peter and Mike were at the pub enjoying their beer. The topic of discussion was what do they do to keep the magic alive in their marriage.

Peter says, "I'll share my secret with you. After a night of great love making, I pluck some jasmine flowers from the garden and place the petals all over my wife's body. The intoxicating aroma drives her wild."

Mike says, "I give her a great massage with olive oil after a night of passion. She goes crazy!"

John thinks and says, "After the night's adventure, I take a dump in the morning and then wipe my backside with the curtains. She goes nuts!!"

A strange request

Dr. Robbins, the dentist made a strange request to his patient, Jack. He said, "Jack, please scream at the top of your lungs!"

Jack, surprised by the request, said, "But why Dr. Robbins? There's hardly any pain this time."

Dr. Robbins pleaded, "Please! You must understand. The waiting room is full of people. I have promised my wife that I will take her out for the new James Bond movie. Can't miss it or she will be very upset!"

In the middle!

Aron went to this new fast food joint in Infinity mall. Always demanding by habit, he said to the waiter, "Get me steak, not too rare, not too well done, just right in the middle."

His next demand was, "Get me nachos. Not too crispy, not too soggy, but right in the middle."

Another order followed, "Get me cold coffee, not too thick, not too thin, but right in the middle."

The waiter took the order and headed for the kitchen. He came back smiling and said to Aron, "Chef Jolly said you can kiss his backside, not on the right, not on the left, but right in the middle."

No signs of improvement

Jim Weber, the conductor was furious with Hank, the drummer, who constantly seemed to be out of beat. Having supervised him for long hours, Jim felt frustrated as Hank did not show any signs of improvement.
 

Frustrated, Jim Weber reprimanded Hank, "When a performer can't perform anymore and is too stubborn to pick up, they give him 2 sticks, and make him a drummer."

A violinist whispered, "And if he doesn't even manage that, they snatch one of his sticks and make him a conductor!"

Lost business

Betty-Boo, the chubby blonde, was talking to her old friend Lisa Ray.

She complained, "You know I am on the road a lot. My business depends on fabric samples that my customers courier to me, based on which I proceed with outsourcing of finished garments. But because of my travel, the couriers don't reach me."

Lisa Ray asked her, "So did you try to do something about it?"

"Yes" replied Betty-Boo. "I put a box in my car."

"A box??? How does it help?"

Betty-Boo said, "I don't know as yet. I haven't received any couriers so far."

Lisa Ray asked, "And what is the reason for it?"

Betty Boo answered, "Guess when I am on the move, my zip code keeps changing."

My business

Terry, ever so drunk, goes up to a cute blonde in the pub and says to her, "Do you mind me asking you a personal question?"

The blonde shrugs and said, "I have an idea where this conversation will finally lead to, so go ahead, ask your question."

Terry said, "All right, how many guys have you slept with?"

The blonde retorted, "None of your business. That's my business."

Terry said, "Cool! So what do you charge for a night?"

Vengeance

Boka says to his friend Khoka, "How do you compare Vengeance to Sweet vengeance?"

Khoka says, "You only tell the answer."

Boka says, "Vengeance is gunning for your enemy's wife, and sweet revenge is discovering she is lousy in bed!"

Letter from Suzie

Rob worked at the local post office, and one day he day he found a letter which was addressed to God. Intrigued, he decided to open it. It read:


Dear Allmighty

I am a 79 year old widow surviving on pension. Last evening, I got mugged on the streets, and was robbed of the $500 that I had to last me for the rest was of the month. It is my granddaughter's birthday next week and I had planned on buying a nice present for her. Now, I have no money even to buy food. I am depending on you for help.

In need

Suzie.

Rob was moved by the letter and showed it to all his colleagues. Immediately, everyone started contributing to a small fund they created. When they counted the money, it totaled to $490. They put it in an envelope & sent it to Suzie anonymously. Thinking that Suzie would now be able to buy a gift for her granddaughter, they all felt good for having contributed to a noble cause.

A few days later, they found another letter from the old widow which was again addressed to God. All the employees in the dept gathered to read the letter.

The letter said:

Dear Almighty

I can't thank you enough for your kind gesture. I was able to buy a nice gift for my granddaughter and felt so satisfied to see the happiness on her face when she received the gift. I was also able to pull through the rest of the month. Just wanted to inform you that there were $10 short in the envelope. I am sure it is the work of those crooks in the postal department. I hope you will punish them!

Ever-so-grateful 

Suzie.

Problem with Peter

When Peter went to see his doctor, he had a radish stuck in his left ear, a carrot in his right ear, and a lady finger stuck in each of the nostrils.

The doctor, visibly shocked asked him, "What is this?"

Pater replied, "Doctor, I am not feeling too well, can you tell me what's the problem with me?"

The doctor sighed and replied, "To begin with, you are not eating properly."

Habitual late-comer

Gabriel was a late-comer. He would always be late to work and had been reprimanded many times by his boss, Mr. Ambrose. The problem with Gabriel was that he just could not get himself to leave the bed in the morning. When he was late once again during the busy last week of the month, Mr. Ambrose gave him a final warning, "One more time you are late, and you are permanently out of here."

Gabriel went to see a doctor and narrated his predicament. The doctor gave him a few medicines and asked him to take it after meals.

Gabriel felt relaxed and got up early in the morning. He had a hearty breakfast and made it to his office before time.

The moment he saw Mr. Ambrose walk in, Gabriel said, "Well Mr. Ambrose, I will not give you a reason to get upset again. I feel fresh as a Daisy!"

"That's okay" said Mr. Ambrose, "But why were you not in office yesterday?"

FYF

The topic of the Sunday sermon was "FYF", short for Forgive Your Foes. Preacher James Asher, after having spoken on the subject for nearly an hour, asked the congregation, "So how many of you present here are  prepared to forgive your foes?"

Some people raised their hands. Not happy with the poor response, Preacher James preached some more and then repeated the question to the gathering. This time, many more people raised their hands.

Still not satisfied, Preacher James prolonged his sermon a little more and repeated the question once again. Almost everyone raised their hands this time, except for a grumpy little old man.

Preacher James asked the little man, "Mr. Walker, are you still not ready to forgive your foes?"

Mr. Walker replied, "I ain't got any."

Preacher James said, "That's strange. How old are you?"

Mr. Walker replied, "I am eighty-eight."

Preacher James said, "Mr. Walker, please come here on the podium and tell the gathering how one can get to the age of eighty-eight without having any foes."

Mr. Walker walked up to where Preacher James was standing, and said to the crowd, "Didn't have to do anything. I just outlived those jokers."

Return a kid

Mrs. Fernandis stormed into the local Radio Jockey's studio and said, "Need your help with an announcement to be made on radio. My husband, Joe, left me and took my two little kids with him."

Malishka, the RJ, said, "I will certainly help you. You are live on air. You can speak out the message yourself."

Mrs. Fernandis said, "Dear Joe, please return one kid because only one is yours!"

Where do you want to go?

My friend Danny once got into the back of a cab.

The cab driver asked, "Where do you want to go?"

Danny replied, "I want to go to the Metro station, but I want to sit here for a couple of minutes first."

"Okay", said the cab driver with a shrug.

When the rain stopped after 10 minutes, Danny just got of the cab and said to the cabby, "Thanks for that, buddy!"

Boka and Khoka

Boka and Khoka had climbed up a ladder to get on top of the roof. While they were fooling around on the roof, a strong wind blew and the ladder was knocked off.

Wondering how to get down, Boka said, "I have a suggestion. I can push you down. Then you can pick up the ladder and position it for me to come down."

Khoka said, "Don't try to be over-smart and don't you take me for a fool. I have a better suggestion. I will put my torchlight on, and you can climb down holding on to the beam of light."

Boka commented, "Do you think I am a fool? You will turn off the torchlight when I am mid-way there."

The dead Sparrow

My friend Jason had taken his 5 year old daughter, Susie to the garden. Jason was sitting on a park bench watching Susie play with a ball. Suddenly, she stopped playing, and looked at something intently. Then she came running to Jason and said, "Come Daddy, I want to show you something."

She lead him to a tree near which a sparrow lay dead. Suzie asked him, "What happened to the sparrow?"

Jason replied, "The sparrow died and went to Heaven."

Susie said, "Oh! So why did God throw it back to Earth?"

No Romance this!

Leonard and his girlfriend Rina were watching a romantic movie on TV. There was a scene in which two lovers were walking in the rain holding hands.

Rina said, "Why is it that we don't do romantic things like walking in the rain holding hands?"

Leonard looked at her and said, "Cos I have an umbrella."

Vet dilemma

Mary took her husband Pat to a veterinary doctor. She said to the Vet, "Doctor, my husband is unwell. I want you to treat him."

The Vet said to Mary, "But I am animal doctor. I do not treat humans."

Mary said, "The reason I got him here is that he kicks like a donkey in his sleep!"

Harassed passenger

I was an air-hostess employed with Kingfisher Airlines. One day, minutes after the last announcement for boarding the flight, I saw a man rush in and looking for an empty seat. He spotted one and flopped into the seat. Later in the night, I noticed that the guy was getting disturbed by the constant fidgeting of a woman seated next to him. She would keep switching the lights on and off, get up frequently to go to the toilet. But the guy did not say anything and just kept quiet.

I felt sorry for him, so I went up to him and whispered, "Sir, would you like to take another seat?"

He smiled and replied, "My wife has been irritating me for several years. No point in separating us now!"

The rescue

Nathan wakes up one morning to discover his house is on fire. He picks up his son Jack and rushes out. Once Jack is safe, he goes in for his elder son Joe and rushes out with him. He then rescues his wife. Next is the cat. Then he goes back into the house and comes out a couple of time without bringing out anyone.

A passer-by, who had stopped to notice the proceedings, asked him, "Who are you going in for?"

Nathan replies, "Uh...its my mother-in-law. I am turning her over."

Love the news!

Rob called his lawyer for some urgent work and the lawyer's secretary answered, "I am afraid I have bad news. He died this morning."

Rob called back again after some time, and got the same answer.

He called 10 more times, and the lawyer's secretary, clearly angered by now, shouted, "Don't you understand? He's DEAD!!!"

Rob replied, "I just love to hear it over & over again!"

A good sermon

Pastor John Warren closed his eyes for 2 minutes and bowed his head, before he left for the church to deliver his sermon.

His little son, Jeremy, who always observed him do so many times, asked him one day, "Why do you do that Dad?"

Pastor John was happy to see that his son noticed his gestures and said, "Before I leave for church, I ask God to help me preach a good sermon."

Jeremy said innocently, "So why doesn't He do it?"

Peaceful sleep

Mrs. Morgan's doctor was shocked when she asked him for birth-control pills. "But Mrs. Morgan," the doctor said, "You are 73 years old. What do you want to do with birth control pills?"

Mrs. Morgan replied, "Those pills help me sleep in peace."

The doctor, more puzzled, asked, "What have birth control pills got to do with sleep?"

Mrs. Morgan smiled and said, "My teenaged granddaughter is quite a wild cat. I put the pills in her milk everyday and it helps me sleep peacefully."

Art gallery

Sculptor Jehangir Babar stood in the art gallery, admiring 7 of his sculptures that were on display.  He approached Jeff, the guy who managed the gallery and asked, "Has anyone shown interest in buying the sculptures?"

Jeff replied, "I have some positive and some negative news. There has been a positive response to the sculptures. There is this gent who has shown keen interest in your work. In fact, he wanted to know if the value of your art will appreciate after your death. I replied in the affirmative and he agreed to buy all the 7 sculptures. "

"That's great news," said Jehangir. "What's the bad news?"

Jeff replied, "The gent I was mentioning is your doc."

What goes first

Mrs. Torres asked her students in class, "When a person dies, which part of the human body does God first call for?" She added, "The most creative answers will get a prize."

Suzie raised her hand. When the teacher gave her nod, Suzie said, "The brain. One needs a mind to have faith in God."

"Good answer", said Mrs. Torres. "Can anyone else answer the question?"

Penny raised her hand and answered, "It is the heart that goes first. Its from the heart that one loves God."

"Brilliant answer", said Mrs. Torres. "Who else?"

Timmy raised his hand and said, "The legs!"

Mrs. Torres asked, "Why the legs?"

Timmy answered, "My parents were not at home when my sister's boyfriend came home. My sis had her legs up in the air and she said, "My God, I'm coming!"

Little boys and girls

It was Tuesday at St. Mary, a small school in the countryside. The moral science teacher, Mrs. Bamonte, said to a naughty boy called Timmy, "There is not one day that I don't get complaints of you. You have to stop your pranks, Timmy. Do you know where little boys and girls go when they play pranks?"

Timmy was fast to reply, "I know. They go to the barn."

The same thing

It was a full moon night and there was romance in the air. Henry and Joanna were involved in passionate adventures in his bedroom, when Henry asked her, "Can I ask you something? Am I the first one?"

Joanna replied with matter-of-fact expression, "Yes, you are the first one. And the most incredible one. I don't understand why all you guys always want to know the same thing!"

Honeymooners

Joe was in Honolulu for his honeymoon. He had rented a flat for 2 weeks as he wanted to avoid a hotel. After the first night, Joe woke after early next morning, prepared a breakfast of scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brought the breakfast for his wife Clara to enjoy it in bed.

Clara was thrilled.

Joe said to her, "Hope you have carefully observed what I did."

Clara replied, "Yes of course. Everything that you did."

Joe said, "That's good. This is how I want you to serve me from tomorrow."

Being polite

As the passenger train slowly started moving, Ed waving goodbye to his friend Morris, said from the open window, "I thoroughly enjoyed my visit to your place. Thank you for taking good care of me. And tell your wife she is really good in bed."

A co-passenger, sitting next to him was shocked and said to Ed, "I couldn't help but overhear what you said. How can you tell a man that his wife is good in bed?"

Ed replied, "Well she is not. I was only trying to be polite, do you mind?"

Surviving a hurricane

When Hurricane Laila hit the Indian sea shore, a luxury boat owned by Indian billionaire Gupta got capsized near the Andaman and Nicobar islands. Bachelor Gupta, who was holidaying with his Man Friday, Prasad, survived the hurricane and swam to a deserted island. The Man Friday, Prasad also swam with Gupta to safety. Prasad was nervous and restless all the time while Gupta was cool as a cucumber. When Prasad could take it no more, he said to Gupta, "Do you realize that we could both die on this island without anybody ever knowing what happened to us. And yet I see you so relaxed. Are you not afraid to die?"

Gupta asked him to calm down and said, "I had donated 5 millions to the Indian Cancer society 4 years back. 3 Million went to the Sports Association of India couple of years back. Another four million went to the ruling political party during elections last year. They all are in need of funds again and I am sure one of them is going to find me!"

Pumpkin joke-The solution that didn't work

Farmer Nick was upset because the kids in his village would often steal pumpkins from his farm. The kids would often be seen eating the pumpkin in the village square

but there was no way to prove that the pumpkins they were relishing were from farmer Nick's farm.

One day, a smart idea stuck him and he placed a sign on the scarecrow which read, "Be warned, there is one pumpkin here which is laced with poison!"

The street urchins showed up at night to steal more pumpkins but stopped short when they read the sign on the scarecrow. They ran away and came back with a sign written in bold which they placed on top of the scarecrow.

The next morning, farmer Nick inspected the fields and noticed all pumpkins were in place. Then he chanced upon the sign the urchins had placed. It read, "Now there are THREE!"

The problem with Albert Jackson

A pompous and self-righteous bachelor called Albert Jackson who was a regular irritant to his family and friends, went to see a doctor. He said to Dr. Wells, "Hey doc, I am feeling miserable. I want you to examine me and give me a diagnosis of the problem."

Dr. Wells cleared his throat and asked, "I will ask some quick questions. Are you hooked on to alcohol?"

Albert replied, "No. Never. Not even in my dreams."

Dr. Wells asked, "Do you smoke?"

Albert replied, "No. I understand the perils of smoking. Never even touched a cigarette."

Dr. Wells asked, "How is your sex life? Do you indulge too much?"

Albert replied, "It's a complete no-no. It is a sin. I completely refrain."

Dr. Wells stared at Albert for a long time, then said, "Do you get headaches?"

Albert replied quickly, "Yes, yes, there is always pain in my head."

Dr. Wells sighed and said, "I know your problem. Your halo is gripping your head too tight."

Baby pumpkin

A mama pumpkin and a baby pumpkin were on the way to the beach. While they were crossing the street, the baby pumpkin was run over by a speeding car. Mama pumpkin caught a cab and rushed baby pumpkin to the nearest hospital.Baby pumpkin was taken to the operation room and the doctors worked on him for several hours. After what seemed like eternity, Mama pumpkin saw a doctor come out of the operation room.

The doctor said, "The good news is that your baby has survived the operation and will live. But he is going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".

The cardboard

Jimmy and Desmond were not only best of friends, but they also divorced their wives at about the same time. They swore they will not look at another woman again for the rest of their lives. To lead a life of abstinence, they decided to move to the Himalaya mountains. hey had both saved enough money, so they set off on their journey. At the base of the mountain, they went to a store and asked the store-keeper to pack enough supplies to last them for 6 to 7 months. The store-keeper put together toiletries, stationary, confectionary and other essential supplies. He added a cardboard with a hole in it. The hole was lined with soft cotton.

Desmond asked the store-keeper, "What is this cardboard for?"

The store-keeper replied, "Where you are headed, you will not find any women. This cardboard will come in handy."

"What??", said Jimmy. "We are done with women. We do not need any distractions. We don't want the cardboard."

The store-keeper said, "Just take it. I am not charging you for it now. If you use it, pay for it when you visit me again."

"All right", said Jimmy. They collected all the supplies and headed to the mountains.

Several months went by, and one day, the store-keeper saw Desmond entering his store.

Desmond said, "I want toiletries & eatables to last me another 6 months"

The store-keeper asked, "Where is your partner?"

Desmond replied, "Jimmy? I stabbed him to death!"

"Why???" asked the shocked store-keeper.

Desmond replied, "I caught him screwing my board!"

All occupations contribute

One fine day, the English grammar teacher said to everyone in the class, "Okay kids, all of you will tell me what your parents do for a living. Raise your hands one by one and tell me your parents' occupation."

Tina said her father is a doctor.
Jack said his mother worked with the Government Department handling irrigation
Nancy said her father is an engineer.
Betty said her father is an accountant
It was Bill's turn and he said to the teacher, "My mother entertains men at night."

There was complete silence.
The teacher sent him to the principal, Mr. Jones.
When Bill returned to class, the teacher asked him if he repeated to Mr. Jones what he had told in class.

Bill replied, "Yes, i did."

So, the teacher asked, "What did Mr. Jones have to say?"

Bill replied, "He said that all sorts of jobs contribute to the nation's economy, he gave me a bar of chocolate and wanted to know my mom's number."

The chemical solution

When Nathan came home, he asked his wife Dara, "What is Tim doing?" Tim was their 10-year old son who loved gadgets. Dara told him that Tim was in his bedroom playing with the chemistry set that they had gifted him on Christmas eve. Nathan wanted to check on his son, so he went upstairs to Tim's bedroom. As he got closer to Tim's room, he heard the sound of something being pounded on the wall. When he entered the room, he saw Tim hammering a nail into the wall.

Nathan asked his son, "What are you doing, Tim? Why are you hammering the nail into the wall? Aren't you supposed to be playing with your chemistry set?

Tim replied, "Dad, this is not a nail, its an insect. I prepared a solution from the chemicals and drowned the insect in it. The insect became hard as a nail."

Nathan pondered over it and said, "I'll make you a deal. Give me that solution and I will gift you a PlayStation."

"Deal" said Tim while handing over the solution to his father.

The next morning when Tim went down to the living room, he found a brand new X-Box of the latest version. He asked his father, "What about the PlayStation?"

Nathan replied, "The PlayStation is on the dining table. The X-Box is a gift from your Mom."

Story of a funeral

Michelle went to the City Funeral Home to arrange for her husband Mel's funeral. She told the attendant that she wanted Mel to be dressed in a grey suit when he was buried.

The attendant asked, "Madam, don't you think it would be convenient to let him wear beige suit that he is already dressed in?"

Michelle was sure about what she wanted and told the attendant that her instructions be followed. Money was not a problem.

On the day of the funeral, Michelle finds Mel attired in a grey business suit while he rested in the coffin. She told the attendant it was perfect and asked him the cost.

The attendant replied, "To be honest, there's no extra cost. You won't believe what happened. Immediately after you left, there was another corpse that was brought in, and he had a grey suit on. His size was no different from your husband's size. The other widow didn't have a problem with a beige suit, so I simply exchanged the heads."

An office joke

The Admin and HR head in my organization pulled a fast one on all employees during the lunch break on the last day of the financial year. He announced, "Everyone pay attention, we are going to pay a little game. Your increment will depend on whether you play this game successfully."

He continued, "I will announce the name of a fruit, and as soon as you hear it, you all have to move to the left side of the hall. If i announce the name of a colour, everyone has to move to the right side of the hall. Anyone who moves in the wrong direction misses his or her pay hike this year.Clear to everyone?"

Everybody nodded in the affirmative.

The Admin and HR head then announced, "Okay...ready? ORANGE!!"

Loud noises from the hall, "WTF!!"

Family phone

Felix was not happy with his 12 year old daughter Tia, spending all her time on the landline phone. Because of her, nobody could use the house phone. So he bought her a mobile phone to keep her away from the house phone.

Next day, when he came back from work, he found Tia sprawled on the couch and gossiping on the house phone.

Angered, Felix shouted at her, "Why don't you use the mobile phone I bought you?"

"Oh I can't do that," Tia replied, "I'm expecting an important call on my cellphone."

Very drunk man

A night-patrol policeman noticed a drunk man trying to enter a house. He went up to the drunk guy and asked, "Is this your house?"

"Yesh!", replied the inebriated man.

The night-patrol policeman asked, "Are you sure?"

"Yessh sirr", replied the wasted man."Can you help me open the door, I'll prove it to you."

They went in and the drunkard said, "You see that painting? Belongsh to me!! See that LED TV? Belongsh to me!!"

He then asked the policeman to follow him upstairs.He made his way up unsteadily. He opEned the door and declared, "See the bedd. Belongsh to me. That wooman shleeping on the bed - that's my wife. You see that fellow shleeping next to her. That's meee!"

Baby ships

Tara and her 6-year-old son, Arjun, were on board the Blue Ocean, a cruise service from Bombay to Goa in India. Arjun was excited to be on the deck all day. He asked his mother, "Mom, if big dolphins have baby dolphins and bik sharks have baby sharks, then why don't big ships have baby ships?"

Tara, engrossed in the novel that she was reading, and unable to come up with an immediate answer, said to Arjun "Why don't you find the Captain and ask him?"

Arjun ran towards the Captain's cabin and finding him, posed his question,"Sir, if big dolphins have baby dolphins and big sharks have baby sharks, then why don't big ships have baby ships?"

The Captain was wise and asked the boy, "Did your mother send you to me with this question?"

"Yes", replied Arjun.

"Well", said the Captain, "Tell your mother that the Blue Ocean pulls out on time."

Angry sheikh

Pete, Harry and Alex were holidaying in Dubai. While shopping in a mall, they came across some beautiful girls and started flirting with them. They had no idea that

the girls were from the harem of a local sheikh who was a tycoon.

All the three men were forced into a Land Rover and taken to the sheikh's palace. When the sheikh's men who had escorted the girls to the mall, narrated what had

happened, the sheikh was mad as hell. The sheikh roared, "I own these girls. You had the audacity to flirt with my girls! You will pay for this.  You will all die in

line with your profession.

With this, the sheikh pointed towards Pete and asked, "What is your profession?"

Pete replied, "I am a carpenter."

The sheikh ordered his men to hammer down Pete's manhood.

Next was Harry and the sheikh asked him, "What do you do for a living?"

Harry replied, "I am a fire fighter"

The sheikh ordered his men to burn his manhood.

The shiekh asked Alex, "What's your line of work?"

Alex looked mighty pleased and said with a smile, "I sell lollipops!"

Long face

The bartender could not help but notice how sad Simon was looking this evening. He asked, "Hey, why the long face? Everything okay at home?"

Simon replied, "Fought with my wife. he swore she will give me the silent treatment for a whole month."

The bartender joked, "C, mon...you should be glad about it. I mean, how many people have the good fortune of not being nagged by the missus for a month?"

Simon said, "The oath ends tonight."

Painted seat

Dan was unemployed, so he would run errands and look after the house while his wife, Donna worked.

One way, Dan was doing all sorts of repairs in the bathroom, when he decided to paint the toilet seat. Donna came home early that day and wanted to use the washroom.Dan did not remember to warn her about the paint. The moment she sat on the seat, is was pasted to her behind. Try as she may, she could not get it off. Dan tried too but to no avail. Finally, they had no choice but to take her to a doctor.

She draped herself in a large coat to hide the seat. At the doctor's clinic, Dan lifted the coat to show the doctor what had happened and said, "I bet you have never seen something like this before."

"I have" replied the doctor, "but never in a casing."

Problem solved

Joe Garner goes to see his doctor but is shy to share his problem. Dr. Xarsis helps him relax and then asks him to talk freely about his problem.

Joe hesitates for a moment, then says, "Err...I have trouble performing in bed. My wife is always complaining. Is there something that you can do for me?"

Dr Xarsis says to him cheerfully, "Your problems are a thing of the past, Joe. Haven't you heard about Viagra? It will put to rest all your worries and you will be performing like a tiger!"

The good doctor gives some pills to Joe whose leaves the doctor's clinic with fresh hopes.

A couple of days later, Joe has a chance meeting with Dr. Xarsis at a coffee shop. Joe whispers into the doctor's ears, "That drug is fantastic! I can't thank you enough!"

Dr. Xarsis asks him with a smile, "I am happy for you. What does your wife have to say?"

"Wife?" says Joe, "Uhh...I have not been home yet."

Saving up

Troy Hogan, at the advance age of 72, got married and the marriage was the talk of the town. More so, because his bride was only 26. They checked into a beach resort in Maldives for their honeymoon and the resort was abuzz with gossip.

Next morning, Troy walks into the resort's dining area looking ever so fresh. He ordered a big breakfast and joked with everyone. When his young bride walked into the dining hall after some time, she looked pale and tired. She ordered some tea and that's all she had. She hardly spoke to anyone.

Old Troy left  the dining room, and the waitress, not wanting to miss the opportunity asked her, "The old man looks so refreshed while you look so fatigued. Is everything all right?"

The young girl said, "This man took me for a ride. Before our wedding, he told me he had saved up for 40 years. You can't blame me for thinking it was money he meant,"

Chinese story

Li Hong, a desperate Chinese guy decides to hire the services of a woman of the night. As soon as they are in the room, they undress and get on with it.

When done, Li Hong gets down from the bed, does 5 sit-ups, runs to the window, rotates his head clockwise in circular motion, crawls under the bed, comes out from the other side, jumps into the bed and performs another session with the woman.

The woman is impressed with the energy of Li Hong. When done, the Chinese guy gets down from the bed, does 5 sit-ups, runs to the window, rotates his head clockwise in circular motion, crawls under the bed, comes out from the other side, jumps into the bed and performs a third session with the woman.

This happens 3 more times. The woman can't help but wonder how this guy rejuvenates himself after such rigorous sessions. So she decides to try it out, gets down from the bed, does 5 sit-ups, runs to the window, rotates her head clockwise in circular motion, crawls under the bed, only to find 5 Chinese men.

Stronger

Tommy and Johnny were having an argument.

Tommy said, "My Dad is stronger than your Dad."

To this, Johnny argued, "Oh yeah? But my Momma is better than your Momma."

Tommy replied, "I suppose so. Even my Dad says the same thing."

A joke on musicians

At the Gates of Heaven, all entrants were being checked to confirm their identity before they were let in.

The angel asked the first man in line, who was a tycoon from Chicago."What have you achieved in your life?"

The tycoon replied, "I made it big in the steel business. I didn't keep everything to myself. I distributed my money among my entire family, so the next 4 generations will not have to worry."

The angel invited him in.

He asked the next man in line about his achievements.

It was a stock broker from New York. He said, "I made millions at NYSE. But I was not selfish like the Chicago guy to keep all my wealth in the family. I donated a few millions to orphanages around the world."

"That's good" said the angel and invited him in.

The next man in line was trying not to make eye contact. When the angel asked him, he replied, "I made only seven thousand dollars in my whole life."

"Good Lord", said the angel. "Which instrument did you play?"

Civilized talk

When Antonio learnt about his wife, Mary's having an extra-marital affair, he availed the services of a private detective to get proof. The private detective followed Mary and gathered enough evidence about her affair with a banker.

Antonio was convinced that he could still save his marriage if he could get the banker out of the way.

Being a man of the 21st century, he decided to handle the matter in a professional and refined manner. So he sent a mail to Mary's banker boyfriend. It read:

Sir

It has been brought to my notice that you are dating my wife.
In order to settle this matter amicably and in a civilized manner, I propose that you come and visit me at my office at 5 pm on Thursday evening.

Rgds


The banker was amused to gat a formal letter in such a case. So, he mailed the following reply:
 

Sir
 

I acknowledge receipt of your group mail. I hereby confirm my attendance at the seminar in your office lecture hall.
 

Rgds

Dress code

Nancy was employed in the Human Resources department of a large multinational. Having graduated recently from college, her job was to impart training to employees in corporate dress code and conduct.

She was stepping into the elevator one day when a man sporting a french beard, and dressed casually in cargoes and t-shirt, entered with her.

Reminded of her responsibilities, Nancy taunted, "Dressed a little too casually for a Thursday, aren't we?"

The man with the french beard replied, "Just one of the perks of owing the company!"

Ring Bearer

Little Neil was very excited to attend his uncle's wedding. Stepping down the aisle, he would take a step, stop, face the crowd, twist his fingers like claws, and make a growling noise.

At every step he would repeat it. He would take turns to be on the groom's side, the groom being his uncle, and do his act. And then he would go to the bride's side and repeat the clawing, growling. The crowd was amused by these dramatics and everyone started laughing.

Little Niel, however, was getting upset by all the attention & laughing and would have cried had his mother not consoled him.

When his mother asked him what he was doing, Little Niel replied, "I played the Ring Bear."

First time

Genelia went to the gynec for a check up and was told she is pregnant.

A little concerned, Genelia confided in the doc that she was going to be a mom for the first time and she did not know anything about childbirth.

The gynec, reassuring her, said, "Don't worry, it's not too different from how it started in the first place."

Genelia was visible surprised and said, "You mean 3 rounds of the park with my legs hanging out of the pick up van?"

Poor memory

Lisa asked her husband Jack, "Do you know who scored the maximum goals in the 1990 Football World cup?"

Jack replied, "Yes, it was Salvatore Schillaci of Italy.6 goals.Why did you ask?"

Lisa says, "And you didn't remember our marriage anniversary was yesterday!!!"

Later, Jack says to his friends at the bar, "I couldn't even tell her I suffer from a poor memory!"

Black sheep

Nixon, a social worker volunteers to go deep into one of Africa's under-developed north-east regions to live with a tribe there and educate them. He spends many years with them and teaches them to read, write and helps them inculcate socially acceptable behavior.

Nixon stressed on them to avoid extra marital relationships, or experimenting outside marriage.

One fine day, a white child is born to the wife of one of the tribesmen. The entire village is shocked by this. The Chief summons Nixon and says to him, All this time that you have been here, you have taught us not to be promiscuous, to be faithful to our spouses, and yet we find a black woman giving birth to a white child. No other white man than yourself has even come to this village. It is obvious that you are responsible."

Nixon tried to calm down the chief and said, "My dear fellow, you are misunderstanding the situation. What you have witnessed here is an act of nature. Its a phenomenon that we call an albino. Look around yourself, amongst the white sheep, you will find a black one. In the jungles, you will find a white tiger, there are even albino crocodiles. Phenomenons like these occur once in a while."

The chief thinks about this for a moment and then says, "I have a proposal. You keep quiet about the black sheer and I will keep quiet about the white child."

About time!

Old Mr. McPherson felt the need to be with a woman again. His wife had died 10 years back and he would feel very lonely at times. So he decides to have a good time before he dies of old age. He gets dressed in his best jacket and heads to the town bar. He finds a pretty young thing whom he wines and dines. They end up at her place and have an action-packed night.

After 10 days, he finds a discharge from his manhood. He rushes to the doctor to find out what it is. The doc examines him and asks him about any adventures that he had in the past couple of weeks. Old McPherson tells the doc about his night out.

The doc asks him, "Do you remember her name?"

"Yup" replies old McPherson.

The doc then asked, "Do you remember where she lives?"

"Yup" replies old McPherson.

"Okay then", said the doc, "My advice is...run back to her...I have reason to believe you are about to come."

Flute player's diagnosis

Harry, the flute player went to a doc who told him, "You have AIDS. You have only six more months to live."
 

The flute player said "And what am I going to live on for an entire six months?"

A different kind of gig

Rex, a saxophone player was frustrated because he was not getting any work. He called his agent who told him that there were no shows that he could help him with, however, he could get him a gig catching tigers to sterilize them.

Rex was upset and asked his agent what had it got to do with his musical talents. The agent told Rex that they paid 200 bucks per tiger caught.

Rex accepts the offer out of desperation. He goes to the jungle with his saxophone. He sees a tiger moving towards him. Not knowing what else to do, he starts playing his saxophone. The tiger starts getting sleepy and dozes off. He puts the tiger in a bag and hauls it into the pick up truck.

He finds another tiger and again starts playing a ballad on his instrument. The tiger falls asleep and Rex puts it in the truck. He does this all day and secures 49 tigers. He is just about to call it a day when he sees another tiger. He starts playing his instrument again but sees that the tiger continues to advance towards him. Rex plays faster but the tiger starts running towards him. He plays faster but the tiger is almost on top of him and kills him.

One of the tiger on the pick up truck says to another, "I was sure when he gets to our deaf brother, the gig would be over."

Blindfolded

Father Jeremy decided to drop in at the home of one of his church regulars on Saturday night. As he approached the house, he heard loud music. When he rang the doorbell, it was answered by the church goer. Behind him, he saw a big group of guys not wearing any clothes. There were blindfolded girls moving from one guy to another, feeling each guy's manhood and trying to figure out who it was.

Father Jeremy, seeing all this said, "I should leave, I don't think I belong here."

The owner of the house said, "You must be kidding father. Your name has been called 4 times already!"

Slippery

Priest James Asher was upset. There were so may people who had been confessing that they were unfaithful to their spouses, partners etc. He was tired of hearing it time and again. He would be turning 60 this May and he wanted to root out the word "unfaithful" from his life. He spread the word that he had had enough of the word "unfaithful" and he did not want to hear it again. Anybody who went to James Asher's confessional would now have to use the word "slipped". So if you have been unfaithful to your wife, you would say you slipped. Gradually, people accepted it and the priest was happy with the change he made.

A couple of years later, priest James Asher retired and his place was taken by a young priest, Alex from out of town. It didn't occur to anyone to warn the young priest about the change of word in the confessional. After hearing the confessions in the first week, priest Alex went to see the municipal governor. He said to the governor, "Sir, the streets in this town need cleaning and maintenance. I hear all the time that people are slipping everywhere."

The municipal governor immediately understood the situation and what was wrong here. He just laughed out loud.

Priest Alex, puzzled by this behavior, said to the governor, "This is no laughing matter, Gov. Why, your wife told me that she slipped twice last week!"

Worried wife

Yohan felt that there was something wrong with his body. Lately, he had noticed his manhood growing a few centimeters every week. Though thrilled initially, his excitement ran down when he noticed that there was no stopping its growth. He decided it was time to visit a doctor. He met Dr. Holmes, a specialist, and explained the problem to him. After examining him, Dr. Holmes  gave his diagnosis, "Well, you have a rare condition. But do not worry, it can be corrected with surgery."

Yohan's wife, Lili, who was waiting outside the doc's cabin, overheard the conversation. She rushed in to ask, "Will he need support to walk?"

"Walk?" asked Dr. Holmes.

Lili asked with concern, "You are going to increase the length of his legs, right?"

Feign ignorance

Martha had arranged for a carpool for her daughter Juliet to go for her tennis classes. It was her turn on Wednesday, but her husband had the car. She felt awkward to tell the woman with whom she had the carpool arrangement, that she would not be able to take her turn. Since it had to be done, she called the woman and explained. The other woman agreed and just a few minutes before she was due to arrive, Martha's husband showed up. It was too late for her to call her carpool partner and explain that she could make it after all. So she asked her husband to park the car in the garage and close the garage door.

Martha instructed her daughter Juliet that she should feign ignorance about her father's whereabouts. Everything was set but the husband did not remember to shut the garage door. He was chatting with a friend right in front of the garage with the door open! Came along the carpool friend and took Juliet for the tennis classes.

When Juliet returned, Martha asked her if the carpool friend had noticed.

"She did", replied Juliet. "She asked me which one of the two men in front of the garage was my father. I told her I have no idea"

Marie's students

Marie was a regular at Sunday church and she also taught in Sunday school. Dean liked her a lot but could not muster enough courage to tell her so. Finally, one day he asked her out. He said, “Marie, how about having dinner with me tonight?”

Marie agreed, “Yes, that would be nice.”

So Dean took her to the best restaurant in town. They settled down and Dean asked, “How about some alcohol before dinner?” 

Marie retorted: “Oh Jesus, no, what would I tell my students?”

Dean was disappointed. He fumbled in his pocket, took out a pack of cigarettes and offered one to Marie. Marie refused,  “My students look up to me. I always tell them to remain away from all vices.”

Dean was lost. Somehow he finished dinner and immediately decided to drive Marie home. On the way, he saw a motel sign and as he had nothing to lose, so he asked without any hope, “If you want, we can stay at the motel.”

Marie said, “Why not? Sure.”

Dean was aghast at this turn of events. But drove into the motel before Marie could change her mind.

He checked in with Marie. They made themselves comfortable and had an extremely good time.

The next morning, Dean asked, “Marie, I wonder. How are you going to explain this to your students?”

Marie replied, “That it is not necessary for us to smoke and drink to have a good time.”

Balloon ride

Dean was up in an air balloon and soon lost his bearings. He had no idea where he was and what direction he should take. He looked down and saw a vast field. Dean reduced altitude of the balloon and saw a man watering plants. He shouted to the man: “Hi there.”

The man reciprocated: “Hi.”

Dean: “Pardon me, I have lost my way, don’t know where I am. I promised my girl I would meet her an hour ago and I don’t know which way to go. Can you guide me?”

The man: “You are twenty five feet from the ground hanging in a balloon. You are forty five degrees latitude or thereabouts and sixty degrees longitude.

Dean said: “You are an accountant.”

The man: “So I am. How did you guess?”

Dean: “Whatever you told me may be correct. But I have no notion what to make of it. The information you gave me is of no use. I am where I was, confused and lost.”

The man: “You are in management.”

Dean: “Sure. What made you say so?”

The man: “See you don’t know where you are or where to go.  You promised your girl friend and you have no idea how to keep it. You expect people working under you to find solutions to your problems or else you blame them. In our case you are in the same position before you saw me but you have made it seem like my fault.”