Runaway train

Mickey had spent a long time in the mental asylum. The doctors were checking his mental health and if deemed fit, he would be allowed to go.

One of the doctors asked, "If you see a train speeding towards you in this passage, what would you do?"

Mickey replied, "I would jump in my copter and fly to safety."

The doc asked further, "And where did you find the copter?"

Mickey replied, "Same place you found that godforsaken train!"

I am a dog

Renita goes to see Dr. Mulbury in a state of despair.

"Doctor", says Renita, "There is something terribly wrong with me. I think I am turning into a dog!"

Dr. Mulbury, pretty shocked to hear such a statement, responds, "My dear, I am sure you are suffering from some ailment, but be assured, you cannot turn into a dog."

Renita, far from being assured, goes on, "Look at my teeth, Dr. Mulbury. They are beginning to look like a canine's teeth!"

Dr. Mulbury said, "I can see that. Your teeth do look sharp but that does not mean you are turning into a dog."

Renita, not ready to be dismissed so easily, continues, "Look at all the hair I am getting on my hands and legs!"

Dr. Mulbury, now concerned, replies,"There certainly is some disorder, but you are not turning into a dog."

Renita says, "Look at my tongue, it was never this long!!"

Dr. Mulbury takes a look and says, "Yes, it appears to be long."

Renita adds,"Look at my nails, doc. Have you seen a woman with nails this long and sharp?'

Dr. Mulbury is worried now, and manages to mumble, "Hmm..."

Renita, now going wild, lifts her skirt and says, "I am even developing a tail!"

Dr. Mulbury, visibly shaken, starts scribbling something on a piece of paper.

Renita says, "Are you writing me a prescription? I just hope it helps. I am going crazy!"

Dr. Mulbury says, "Not really. I am writing a letter to my uncle who works at the Mayor's office. Show him this letter and he will give you permission to poop in the streets!"

To drink or not to drink

Balbir, the village drunkard, asked his friend Suresh if it was okay to drink alcohol while praying.

Suresh, noticing the temple priest pass by, asked Balbir to pose this question to the priest.

Balbir, a little inebriated, staggered to the temple priest and asked, "Oh Holy man, is it okay for me to drink while I pray?"

The priest, enraged by such a question, replied angrily, "Certainly not!! How could you be so discourteous to your religion?"

Balbir went to Suresh and told him what the priest replied to him.

Suresh said to him, "Your question was not right. Let me give it a try."

Suresh went up to the temple priest and said, "Sire, do you think it is right to pray while I drink?"

The priest smiled and said, "Oh certainly, my good fellow. Sure you can".

Air hostess

Philippines airline advertised, "We invite you to experience our warm and motherly treatment."

A passenger commented, "They are so right. It's warm cos the air-conditioning never works. It has to be motherly, all the pursers & hostesses are 50 plus!!"

You are what you shop!

Tracy goes to the departmental store to shop for groceries and toiletries. She picks up a packet of skimmed milk, zero-fat yogurt, apples, hair-remover and a deodorant.

She goes to the cash counter and the snooty cashier asks her, "You must be single!"

Tracy is surprised, and asks her, "How did you know? Did you guess that from what I purchased?"

"No," replied the cashier, "You're ugly!"

The irresistible offer

Robert, the smart new manager, impresses one and all at his workplace.

One day, his Boss, Mr. Jenkins calls him in his cabin and says, "Robert, I must admit I am mighty impressed with you. I have a proposal for you. If you agree to marry my daughter, I'll make you a stakeholder in my company, give you a 5 million dollar annual salary plus perks, and the latest S-class of Mercedes Benz."

Robert is perplexed. He says, "Is something wrong with your daughter?"

Mr. Jenkins shows him a photograph of her and Robert shivers at the sight of the ugly girl in the photo.

Mr. Jenkins adds, "Err, she has other problems as well. She is dumb and she stutters."

Robert finally manages to say, "Thanks for the offer but she is not worth it."

Mr. Jenkins persists, "Listen son, I will give you a 10 million and buy you a mansion with a private beach."

Robert simply cannot say no to the irresistible offer, so he accepts thinking he will put a pillow over her head when they make out.

They get married and after a few months, Robert buys an expensive painting. He wants to hang it on the wall, so he says to his wife, "Can you get me a hammer.'

She stutters, "Ham-merr, need a ham-err"

Robert says, Also get some nails."

She stutters, "N-nails, need n-nails."

Robert hammers a nail into the wall when he hits his finger and shouts, "F**k!"

She stutters, "Pil-loww, get a pil-loww!"

Intelligent women

Dana: Why do men like intelligent women with a high IQ?

Tara: That's because Opposites attract!

Coming up

Sardar Santa Singh worked in a medical store as a cashier and was not too acquainted with facts of medicines. One day, the pharmacist was away on an errand, so Santa Singh had to take his place. A customer came along and asked for a medicine by it's name.

Since the medicine was not available at the counter, Santa Singh asked the helper boy to get it from the warehouse. The helper boy was taking long to get it, and the customer was getting impatient.

Seeing the customer getting edgy, and not knowing that the medicine was meant to help get an erection, Santa Singh tried to pacify him by saying, "Here sir, sit down. Yours coming up in minute."

It's a shame

It was Mona's first date and she was mighty excited about it.

Grandma was very worried though, so she decided to have a little chat with her granddaughter.

She said to Mona, "Mona, my dear, you need to know a few things about guys, before you go for your first date. He will try to give you a smooch, and you may feel good about it, but you need to stop him."

Mona nodded her head.

Grandma went on, "You don't know these young boys. Next he will try to squeeze your melons. You may feel good about it, but you need to stop him."

Mona nodded again.

Grandma continued, "He will also try to rub you in the wrong places, you may feel good about it too, but you need to stop him. But above all this, he may try to climb on top of you and have his way with you. You may feel good but you certainly need to stop him! It will bring shame to your family"

After the enlightenment, Mona went ahead with her date. When she returned home, she seemed to be very happy.

Grandma wanted to know all about it.

Mona said to her, "Oh Grandma, I did not let Tom bring shame to our family. When he tried to do all those things you said, I climbed on top of him and brought shame to HIS family!!"

Diagnosis

The professor of psychology at S.D. College, Mr. Andrews was conducting a class on the topic "Manic depression".

During the lecture, the professor posed a question to the class. He asked, "What diagnosis would you have for a person who paces the floor back & forth, pulls his hair, yells at everyone in sight and then goes into a shell crying uncontrollably?"

Betty raised her hand to answer, "It would be a football coach, right?"

Feeling guilty

Mary goes to a shrink and tells him her concerns.

She says, "Doc, I need help. I have this problem - whenever I date a nice guy, I end up sleeping with him. Later, I carry guilt that lasts for several days and I go into depression."

The shrink says, "Hmmm...from what you just told me, I understand you want me to help you strengthen your will power and resistance."

"Good lord, No!!" exclaimed Mary. "Why on earth would I want that? I want you to help me not feel guilty and depressed later."

Who is your wife seeing?

Three friends - Bob, Joe and Mark are having beer at their regular watering hole.

Bob says to his friends, "I found plumbing tools in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a plumber."

Joe says, "I found a first-aid box in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a doctor."

Mark adds, "Wait till you hear what I have to say. I found a cowboy hiding in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a horse!"

Measures

Amy came home crying. "Mom, I am going to have a baby", she sobbed.

Her mom, Dorothy, visibly upset, said to her, "You are only 18. Didn't I ask you to take measures??"

Amy replied, "But I did. I measured them all and chose the one who had the biggest." 

Desert story

Rehman Khan gets lost in the desert. He does not have any food on him and has already licked the last drop of water from his water-bottle two days ago. He is about to give up all hopes of survival when he hears some sounds from the distance.

He listens hard and what sounds like dogs barking, seems to get nearer and nearer.

Rehman Khan tries to lift himself from the ground to take a look at the source of the sound. He is sure he is hallucinating when suddenly, out of nowhere, an Eskimo in a fur coat appears on a sled dragged by snow dog.

He rubs his eyes and takes another look. and sure enough, there is an eskimo standing right over him. He calls out to the Eskimo in a broken voice and says, "Help!".

The Eskimo and his snow dogs surround him and Rehman manages to say weakly, "I have no idea how or why you are here, but Allah be praised. I have been roaming in the desert for days without food and water and I am totally lost."

The Eskimo,wiping the sweat from his forehead, comments, "You think you are lost!!!"

Father Jonathan

Sister Nancy announced as soon as she came into the room where Sister Judy and Sister Martha were sewing clothes,"I was doing some dusting work in Father Jonathan's room and guess what I found. A whole bunch of dirty magazines!"

Sister Judy asked, "What did you do with those magazines?"

Sister Nancy replied, "I tore them up and threw them in the dustbin."

Sister Judy said, "I have something to share too. When I was in Father Jonathan's room to put away the laundry, I found a pack of condoms."

Sister Martha, who was quiet till now, asked, "What did you do with the condoms?"

Sister Judy replied,  "I used a needle to make holes in all of them. Then I put them back where I found them."

Sister Martha fainted.

Great or terrible?

David met his old friend Eduardo after a long time.

David: How have you been?

Eduardo: I dated a girl for 4 years. Her name's Veronica.

David: Ok. What about her?

Eduardo: I married her.

David: Oh! That's great!

Eduardo: No, that's terrible! She's ugly!

David: That's terrible!

Eduardo: No, that's great! She is wealthy!

David: That's great!

Eduardo: No, that's terrible! She won't part with a cent!

David: That's terrible!

Eduardo: That's great! She bought a big bungalow for me!

David: That's great!

Eduardo: That's terrible! The house caught fire!

David: That's terrible!

Eduardo: That's great! She was in the house.

The arrangement

Judge Hammonds and Judge Ridgeley were both arrested on a Tuesday for over-speeding. Instead of being tried in court by a third judge, they had this brilliant idea to hear each others case.

Judge Hammonds took the bench while Judge Ridgeley stood at the defendant's table. As pre-arranged, Judge Ridgeley admitted that he was guilty. Judge Hammonds let go the fine, and only gave a small reprimand.

They switched places and now it was Judge Ridgeley's turn to pass the judgement. Judge Hammonds admitted to the charge of speeding, and Judge Ridgeley wasted no time in fining the other judge $300 plus court expenses.

Judge Hammonds was infuriated and demanded from Judge Ridgeley why he had not kept his part of the bargain.

Judge Ridgeley was calm and replied, "Well, this is the 2nd such case in a day. Someone needs to get strict about all this over-speeding!"

God's gift

Pastor Graham had a request to make to the congregation. His wife Jany was expecting and he wanted a raise.

So, a meeting was held and it was decided that every time Pastor Graham's family grew, his remuneration would increase.

Years passed by and the good pastor had 7 children. The expense on the pastor's family was becoming a matter of concern for the entire congregation. Three was a lot of discussion on how the pastor's ever-growing family was putting a hole in the church's purse. Also how much more would it cost in the future.

Pastor Graham interrupted the discussion and said, "Children are the Lord's gift, and we shall have as many as He chooses to give us."

There was a pin-drop silence.

A fiery old woman got up and said, "Rain is also God's gift, but when there is too much of it, we wear rubbers."

Round or square?

Sardar Santa Singh's son, Jolly, came home from school and declared, "We had a fantastic Algebra class today."

Santa Singh asked the boy, "Huh, what did you learn?"

Jolly answered proudly, "I know all about Pi R Square now."

Santa Singh reprimanded the boy, "Dont' try to take me for a ride boy. It's a known fact that pies are round!"

Cheese

A group of Pakistanis was touring Europe. They were in a bus passing through the countryside in Switzerland, when the tour guide asked the driver to stop at a cheese farm. The guide wanted to show the tourists how cheese in processed. He pointed out to a herd of goats that was grazing in the hills.

He said to the group, "These goats out there are the older ones who are put to pasture when they can't produce any more."

He want on to ask, "What do you do in Pakistan with your old goats?"

Ali, an old gent said, "We are sent on bus tours!"

No kidding!

Peter visited the church and after the sermon was over, went to meet the Preacher.

Peter said to preacher John, "That was a godam*ed fine sermon preacher. It really made my day!"

Preacher John said to Peter, "I am glad you liked it, but you should not use profanities."

Peter said, "I was so moved by the sermon that I donated $3000 to the church."

Preacher John exclaimed, "WTF! Hope you are not kidding me!"

Talk about age

Dennis, 75 years of age, is a rich widower who is a regular at the Golf Club.

One evening, he turns up at the Club with a gorgeous 20-something hot girl in his arms. All his friends drool over her and can't stop eying her.

While they were munching snacks, one of his friends whispers to him, "Hey Dennis, that sure is one hell of a girlfriend you got yourself! How did you manage to woo her?"

Dennis replies, "Girlfriend? That's my wife!"

The friend can't believe what he just heard. He probes further, "How on earth did she agree to marry you?"

Dennis replies, "I just lied about my age."

The friend asks, "What did you tell her, you were 50 or 55?"

Dennis chuckles and replies, "Nope. I said I was 85."

Who is your well wisher?

Danny: Do you know only a robber is a well wisher.

Sunny: What a weird thing to say? Why so?

Danny: My doc wishes me to fall sick, my lawyer hopes I get on the wrong side of law, the coffin maker wishes that I die. Only a robber will wish that I prosper in life.

Exaggerated humor

Katie wanted her boyfriend to meet her parents. So she took Bob home on a Saturday eve.

Katie's father asked Bob, "What is your profession?"

Bob replied, "I am in the restaurant business."

Katie interrupted, "Restaurant business! Bob owns a chain of fast-food stores."

Katie's father asked the next question, "Where do you live Bob?"

Bob replied, "I own a place in town."

Katie interrupted, "A place! Bob owns a luxury duplex in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn.

Katie's father asked, "Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?"

Bob replied, "I am planning some take-overs in the near future."

Katie interrupted, "Take-overs! He is buying out Wendy's!"

At that point, Bob sneezed.

Katie's mother asked, "Have you got a cold?"

Katie screamed, "A cold! My Bob's got pneumonia!"

Water in Heaven

Harry died in a road accident and found himself walking down a lonely road. He found his dog, Boozo, walking next to him. Harry remembered Boozo dying many years back, and realized they were in the afterlife. He wondered where the road would lead to.

They arrived at a glorious big white gate and walked to the man guarding it.

Harry asked the man, "What is this place called?"

The man replied, "This is Heaven."

Harry asked, "Can we have some water to drink?"

The man replied, "Yes, of course. Go straight ahead and take a left. You will find a water cooler there."

Harry gestured towards the dog and asked, "Can Boozo here come in too?"

The man said, "I am sorry but we do not allow pets."

Harry thought for a moment, nodded to the man and turned back toward the road with Boozo in tow.

They walked for a long time, and came across a dirt road which lead to a farm with no gate. A man was relaxing on a chair, his face covered with a straw hat.

Harry approached the man and asked if he could get some water.

The man replied, "Sure, there's a pump in the corner. Help yourself."

"What about  my friend here?", Harry asked, "Can he join me?"

The man replied, "That's no problem, you should find a bowl by the pump."

Harry thanked him and walked upto the pump. He quenched his thirst and also gave Boozo water in the bowl to drink.

When they were ready to go, Harry asked the man, "What is this place?".

The man replied, "This is Heaven".

Harry was confused and asked, "Well I went to another place and they also called themselves Heaven."

The man replied, "Oh, that fancy place with the big white gate? That's hell."

Harry said, "I a sure you are upset with those people using your name."

The man said, "No, in fact we are pleased that they weed out the people who leave their best friends behind."

Phantom

Dana and Ted's granddaughter, Alice had come to stay with them for the summer vacations, and they decided to take the kid out for dinner. The pizzeria where they went, had movie memorabilia plastered on all the walls.

Ted was in the queue to order their pizza, and when he returned, he saw little Alice staring at a poster of Phantom standing in a phone booth. Seeing a puzzled expression on Alice's face, Ted asked Dana, "Doesn't she know who Phantom is?"

"Worse, "Dana replied, "Alice doesn't even know what a phone booth is!"

The old machine

Alex Wagner, a wealthy 82 year old businessman, marries Elie, a 24 year old girl from the country.

A year goes by and Elie delivers a baby. Dr. Johnson comes out of the delivery room and congratulates Alex telling him that his wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

The old man says proudly, "The old machine is still up and running!"

A year later, Elie gives birth to another child. Dr. Johnson comes out of the delivery room and congratulates the old man telling him that his wife gave birth to a healthy baby girl. Old Alex says proudly, "The old machine is still up and running!"

Another year goes by and Elie delivers a third baby. Dr. Johnson again greets and congratulates the old businessman for a son that his wife had delivered again. Alex is elated and announces once again, "The old
machine is still up and running!"

The good doctor can't take it any more, so he blurts out, "I know, but I suggest you get the oil changed because this one is black!"

Jovie's wits

David asks his little son Jovie, "Tell me Jovie, whom do you love more, Mom or Dad?"

Jovie had learnt to be diplomatic at an early age. So he replied, "I love you both the same."

David said, "Son, you need to choose between one of us."

Jovie replied, "My answer is BOTH!"

So, David decides to test him further and asks, "Ok, if I go to London and your mother decides to go to Rome, where will you go?"

Jovie says, "I will go to Rome."

David says to his son, "That means you love your mother more than you love me."

Jovie replies, "No. I want to go to Rome because it is more beautiful than London."

David tests his son again, "Fine, if I go to Rome and your mother goes to London, who will you go with?"

Jovie replies, "I will go to London."

David says, "Why? You just said Rome is better."

Jovie chuckles and says,"But I have just visited Rome, right?"

Blondie's troubles

Blondie was at Marvin's Door & Windows showroom having an argument with the salesman.

She said, "Just six months back, I converted into a green home by replacing all my windows with those pricey energy efficient ones that you convinced me to take. And now, I receive a notice from you that I have not paid for the windows!!"

The salesman said, "That's absolutely right, mam."

Blondie said, "Do you think I am stupid? Didn't you claim that the windows would pay for themselves in 6 months."

You need proof!

Ronnie goes to his lawyer, Mr. Shark and complains, "My neighbor Bonnie owes me $300 but does not intend to return it. Is there something I can do to recover it?"

Mr. Shark asks Ronnie, "Do you have any proof of the transaction?"

"No", replies Ronnie.

Mr. Shark advises, "Well then, write a mail to Bonnie asking him for the $600 he owes you."

Ronnie says, "But he owes me only $300!"

Mr. Shark replies, "I know. That's what he will write back to you and that will give us the evidence we need."